The Tandyman Can

The Last Man on Earth 1×12

& Phil: Phil. So new, so naive. She wandered up here on her own. And any real cattleman knows that a cow can’t go down stairs.
    Phil Miller #2: Shoot, you can make a cow do just about anything if you show her who’s boss.

& Phil Miller #2: All it takes is a firm slap and an authoritative tone, you can make a cow do whatever you want.
    Gail: Doesn’t just work on cows, hon.

& Phil: Well... uh, I will get out of your hair. And your bald head, uh...

& Melissa: Look, I’ve had a really nice time with you and I...
    Todd: Whoa! You know what? I know how that sentence is gonna end. And I’ll beat you to it. We’re done, Melissa. I dump you, okay?

& Todd: Hey, do you think I’m being paranoid, or do you think Phil really wants to sleep with Melissa?
    Phil: Todd, don’t worry. He definitely wants to sleep with Melissa. And everyone else here. Hell, I’m not even sure the cow’s safe. And I’m sorry you had to hear that, girl.

& Melissa: Well, looks like we have a new president.

---

& Phil Miller #2: Well, I-I guess I should ask. Why did you guys choose to live in Tucson? I mean, no offense, but in this new world, Tucson is pretty much the worst place to sustain human life.

& Phil: Come on, be a tractor. Be a tractor for me.

& Todd: It’s Phil, new Phil!!
    Phil: What happened? What did he do?
    Todd: He had sex with them.
    Phil: Sex with who?
    Todd: All of ’em. He had sex with all of ’em!

& Phil: Carol, I cannot believe you. Have you no morals?

& Phil: This is Tandy Land, and he knows it. He smells the spray, he’s trying to tip-toe through it. But it’s all over his feet and legs. Poor guy.

& Erica: To Carol.
    Gail: To Carol. That lucky B-word...

& Phil: We got to kill this guy.
    Todd: I’m in.

--
On the IMDb