& Mortdecai: Johanna. Love of my life. Apple of my eye.
& Johanna: Whoa! What is that?
Mortdecai: Just a little something I cooked up whilst you were away, my darling. I do believe it was Maggie Thatcher who said that kissing a man without a moustache is rather like eating an egg without salt.
Johanna: Oh, don’t point that thing at me!
Jock: Told ya.
& Mortdecai: Every Mortdecai man before me has had one.
& Mortdecai: My love, you are killing me. Please.
Johanna: It looked like you have a vagina on your face.
Mortdecai: Surely you mean the pubic hair above a vagina. I simply cannot get my head around that image.
& Mortdecai: It is apparent that you are well-versed in the stick. But what of the well-known carrot?.. What’s in it for me, as they say?
& Mortdecai: Do you think it will be all right in the end?
Jock: I couldn’t say, sir.
& Spinoza: It’s not some Toyota Clitoris. No! Is a Rolls... The bloody Silver, the whacking Cloud, the bollock Royce!
& Martland: Is the legend true?
Mortdecai: Does it matter? The truth is nice, but a rumor is priceless.
& Mortdecai: I need a restorative. How ’bout some finger sandwiches? Just the usual, you know. Egg cress, prawn mayonnaise, possibly a gallon of your finest whisky just to start the day properly. You know how it is, gentlemen..... Oh, I see. Actually, make that caviar. Some warmed blinis, creme fraiche, boiled egg whites, and vodka so ice cold you need gloves to handle it. And don’t forget the herringbone spoon.
& Mortdecai: Forgive me, Vladimir.
& Mortdecai: Will it be all right in the end?
Jock: I couldn’t say, sir!
& Mortdecai: Jockie?
Jock: Yes, sir?
Mortdecai: «Open your balls»?
Jock: I have no idea.
Mortdecai: Is it that you actually know and don’t want to tell me?
Jock: Yes, sir.
& Receptionist: Do you need help with your bags?
Mortdecai: No, I do not need help with my bags. I have a fucking manservant. Strange country.
& Johanna: Where are you?
Mortdecai: Oh, a terribly vulgar place called Los Angeles. Apparently located in the far West colonies.
& Johanna: Charlie? Why are people achieving climax in your immediate vicinity?
Mortdecai: Well, I think I’m staying in some sort of cement brothel, my love.
& Mortdecai: Jock?
Jock: Yup?
Mortdecai: Will it be all right in the end?
Jock: How the fuck should I know?!
& Georgina: Have me.
Mortdecai: Oh, my dear, I’m so tired. And so married and so tired. And so married... Oh! And I’m married and tired, you know.
& Mortdecai: Have you lost your bearings, man? Shellfish at a catered affair?
& Dmitri: You will have hole in your balls!
Mortdecai: Why is Dmitri obsessed with testicula? Your mother and father only met once. And money changed hands. Probably less than a 20. And they say she was dressed as a man at the time.
& Mortdecai: I deeply, deeply love... my moustache. But... I have discovered... that I love you... more. Proceed.
Johanna: Would you really do that for me?
Mortdecai: For you, there is nothing I would not do.
--
+ quotes on the IMDb
Σ ...in the end. If someone will try and relax, someone could get fun.
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