Binding Arbitration

Silicon Valley 2×9

& Richard: Well, I was thinking that in exchange for my help, you... I’m sorry, hold on.
    Laflamme: You can’t use the term «in exchange.» It implies causality. That’s basically extortion. Any actions he takes must be un-coerced and of his own volition.

& Gavin: If you don’t give me my fucking phone back, I’m gonna find you, bend you over your desk and fuck you so hard, your front teeth... Hold on.
    Melinda: You can’t threaten him, especially not sexually.
    Gavin: This little shit could cause major damage here. What am I allowed to say?.... Richard, it’s me again. Here’s my concern.

& Dinesh: This is craziness. Couldn’t they have just emailed all this? I mean, it’s mostly just printed-out emails anyway.
    Jared: Yeah, of course they could have. And it would have been digitally searchable, and that is the point. It’s a classic document dump. But what they didn’t take into account is the power of us. So grab a box, guys. Start pulling anything you think is relevant. And you may have to work pretty hard, but it will free us from this lawsuit.
    Gilfoyle: Are you saying, «work will set you free»?
    Jared: Yes. They have the manpower. We have the perseverance. Triumph of the will.
    Dinesh: He’s the most cheerful person I’ve ever heard quote Hitler.

& Monahan: Unless, of course, you’ve offered a conflicting version of that to anyone... A friend, your parents, a girlfriend.
    Richard: No, no, and not possible. I haven’t had a girlfriend in, like, three years.
    Monahan: A boyfriend?
    Richard: No. I’m not gay, just busy.

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& Monahan: Well, technically, I can’t refer to myself as an attorney until I’m reinstated and make restitution to my victims’ families. I’m a lawyer. And I’m a good one.

& Erlich: I nurtured Richard like a little baby. I was his patron, like the Borgias with Da Vinci.
    Richard: Actually, the Medici were Da Vinci’s patrons. The Borgias poisoned people.
    Erlich: Say Medici again.
    Richard: Medici.
    Erlich: Shut the fuck up.

& Jared: Do you think something may be wrong with the egg?
    Gilfoyle: Something is. It’s on our website.

& Gilfoyle: Jared, you want that egg to be alive, right?
    Jared: Of course.
    Gilfoyle: Well, right now, because you don’t know whether it is or not, it exists in both states, like Schrodinger’s cat.
    Jared: Like what?
    Gilfoyle: It’s a quantum mechanics thought experiment that an Austrian physicist came up with to help understand quantum states. So he imagined putting a cat into a box with poisoned food. There’s a 50/50 chance the cat eats it.
    Jared: That does sound rather Austrian.
    Gilfoyle: So, according to Schrödinger, if you open the box and confirm that the cat is dead, then in a sense, you’ve killed the cat.
    Dinesh: Or... If you call the museum and get the information, then you’ve killed the egg.
    Jared: No, that’s silly.
    Gilfoyle: Is it?
    Jared: ... Okay... I’m just gonna think about it for a minute.

& Richard: It’s a joke. Big Head and I... We call my laptop my girlfriend because... it’s the only warm thing... that’s touched my crotch in a little while.
    Monahan: So when you said, quote... «My girlfriend shit the bed last night,» that was your laptop?
    Richard: Laptop, yeah.
    Monahan: Well, that’s good to hear.

& Monahan: It all depends on whether or not the attorneys at Hooli figure out that your girlfriend is your laptop.
    Gilfoyle: Are you telling us this entire case hinges on people believing that Richard had a girlfriend?....
    Dinesh: We. Are. Fucked.

& Plaintiff: It seems like everything you touch is made dramatically better, Mr. Bighetti. You make a meaningful and crucial contribution to everything you do, do you not?
    Big Head: Wa... wait. I’m... I’m sorry. Do I not? Are you asking if I do do that or if I don’t do that?

& Monahan: Mr. Bachmann, are you still prepared to testify?
    Erlich: Fuck yes, I am.

& Richard: That would be committing perjury. That would be lying under oath.
    Erlich: If you don’t lie, Richard, you lose. We lose everything... The company, 90% of what could potentially be a billion dollars... I mean, you know, because I have 10%.
    Richard: I know. God damn it, I know.
    Erlich: Richard, do the right thing here. Lie on the stand.

& Erlich: It’s okay, Richard. You don’t have to protect me anymore. I’m his girlfriend!

& Dinesh: Should I text him to see how the arbitration’s going?
    Gilfoyle: Uh, you can. But right now it’s going both well and poorly. And if you get definitive information back and it’s bad, I could argue that you have effectively caused us to lose the arbitration.

& Gilfoyle: Jared, you just killed that guy.

& Dinesh: I just got a text from Richard... I’m not gonna read it.

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