The Septum Deviation

The Big Bang Theory 8×9

& Amy: This is an easy one. You love this guy.
    Sheldon: Me.

& Sheldon: Well, I’ve been doing some research and I’ve learned that one in 700,000 people die from general anesthesia.
    Leonard: Buddy, w... Do you realize that that also means 699,999 people don’t die?
    Sheldon: ... I suppose that’s true. You’re such a glass half-full kind of guy.

& Howard: Damn, can you imagine being married to someone for 40 years?
    Bernadette: ... Not anymore.

& Sheldon: Remember when I said if you went through with your surgery, there was a one-in-700,000 chance of dying?
    Leonard: Yeah...?
    Sheldon: Well, I’ve been crunching the numbers, and so far, I’ve gotten your probability of death all the way to a sphincter-tightening one in 300...

& Leonard: Buddy, I-I get that you’re worried about me and I-I appreciate that, but I’m not going to die.
    Sheldon: You don’t know that.
    Leonard: Well... I do know that it won’t be from an asteroid strike.
    Sheldon: You know who else said that? Every cocky T. Rex currently swimming around in the gas tank of your car.

& Leonard: The doctor said I should be out of surgery by 10:00.
    Penny: Okay. And Sheldon really believes we’re at a public swimming pool?
    Leonard: He was so busy figuring out how many parts per million of urine we’d be floating around in, he didn’t even question it.
    Sheldon: ...18 parts per million! And he’s still doing it.

---

& Sheldon: You’re acting odd. Why?
    Amy: I’m odd all the time, everyone knows that. Just last night, I tried to see how many fava beans I could fit in my mouth.
    Sheldon: Tell me the truth.
    Amy: 28.
    Sheldon: Come on.
    Amy: Fifty-six.

& Amy: It’s sweet that you care about him so much.
    Sheldon: I do. And I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself, if something happened to him and I wasn’t at his bedside to say, «I told you so.»

& Amy: Come on, let’s talk about something other than the surgery.
    Sheldon: That’s a good idea. Penny, did you and Leonard ever discuss funeral arrangements?

& Raj: Hey. What brings you by?
    Bernadette: Oh... muffin much.
    Howard: Told you— not funny.
    Bernadette: He’s just not laughing because he’s feeling... blue berry... Tough crowd.

& Bernadette: It’s a shame they spent all that time unhappy. But sometimes, there’s muffin you can do about it..... You get it, right?

& Penny: The reason he deceived you is you were being a pain in the ass.
    Sheldon: The reason I was being a pain in the B is because I was worried about him, and no one else was.
    Penny: Really? You won’t even say «A»?
    Sheldon: You bet your sweet B I won’t.

& Penny: Obviously, I care about Leonard. I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with him!
    Sheldon: And I’m not?!

& Penny: Sheldon, it was just a little tremor.
    Sheldon: A little tremor that turns routine sinus surgery into a frontal lobotomy.

& Bernadette: It was the little things they kept bottled up. I don’t want that to happen to us.
    Howard: How can I convince you it won’t?
    Bernadette: Well, is there anything about me you’re keeping inside?
    Howard: I’m not answering that! It’s a trap.
    Bernadette: So there are things you don’t like.
    Howard: And here I am in the trap... You just keep talking. I’m gonna chew my leg off.

& Howard: I love that I’m kind of a slob around here, and... you’re okay with that.
    Bernadette: Uh-huh... And I love that I work and do all the cleaning, and you’re okay with that.
    Howard: See, I am! Isn’t this great?

& Leonard: I never thought I’d say these words, but... come on, nose spider!

& Leonard: You love me.
    Sheldon: Yeah. Tell me those aren’t the words of a man with a spider eating its way through his brain. Amy, you’re a neuroscientist. Crack his skull open, spray some Raid in there.

& Bernadette: I love that you take pride in your looks, even when I have to pee in the morning, and you’re in there spending an hour on your hair!
    Howard: I love that you’re too good to pee in the kitchen sink!
    Bernadette: I love that you have the confidence to speak, even without giving it an ounce of thought!

& Sheldon: I can’t send it back— I had it engraved. «Here lie the ashes of Leonard Hofstadter. He thought he was right, but his roommate knew better.»

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+ quotes on the IMDb