I Scream When I Pee

Two and a Half Men 10×9

& Alan: What's going on?
    Jake: Oh, I’ve got good news. I’ve got a girlfriend.
    Alan: Oh, that’s great.
    Jake: She gave me the clap.
    Alan: Wait, wait. How’s that better?
    Jake: It’s a sexually transmitted disease, Dad. Sexually transmitted.
    Alan: Disease.
    Jake: Yeah. So you get it.

& Lyndsey: You want me to believe that one of the sexiest women in the world... hit on you and you turned her down?
    Alan: Well, yes. Yes, I did. I told Kandi that I am in a committed relationship with a woman that I truly love...
    Lyndsey: Really?
    Alan: Yeah. I don’t need a young, rich, gorgeous movie star... with flawless skin and a great body. I have you. ... Okay, let me try that again. Um...

& Kandi: I’m used to getting what I want.
    Alan: Well, yeah, yeah, Kandi, but I told you before, I have a girlfriend... and... And... And, oh, God, you smell good. Kind of like a combination of pineapple and hope.

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& Kandi: I have a couple of old friends here who wanna say hello...
    Alan: Hello. Hello.
    Kandi: Why don’t we continue this conversation in the bedroom?
    Alan: Oh, Kandi, I... I can’t. I mean... I mean, I can. Parts of me already did.

& Walden: You must really love her.
    Alan: That’s the only explanation I can come up with.

& Walden: Hey, let me ask you a question.
    Alan: Yes. They’re spectacular!

& Walden: Well, today your dream is coming true.
    Berta: Oh! Come here, you big old talking taco.
    Walden: Oh, oh. There’s one condition.
    Berta: Okay, you want to do it in the house or on the hood of the car?

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