Those Fancy Japanese Toilets

Two and a Half Men 9×7

& Charlie’s diary: “To whom it may concern, if you are reading this it means either my heart or lungs finally gave out. Or I rejected my new liver. Or my brother wouldn’t give me a piece of his. Or I choked on my own vomit, or somebody else’s. Or some crazy chick pushed me in front of a bus...”
    Alan: Ooh, so close!

& Evelyn: I must tell you, Walden, it’s so nice to finally see someone in this house who surfs for something other than porn.

& Walden: Um... Do you know a good interior designer?
    Evelyn: As a matter of fact, I know a great one.
    Walden: ’Evelyn Harper Interior Design...’ I thought you were a real estate agent.
    Evelyn: I am. I’m also a building inspector, mortgage broker, notary public and a bail bondsman.
    Walden: A bail bondsman?
    Evelyn: Admittedly, that business has slowed down since my son died.

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& Evelyn: What did you have in mind in terms of redecorating?
    Walden: I don’t know. I just, I just want my home to reflect who I am.
    Evelyn: And who are you?
    Walden: I’ve got a buttload of money, but I’m a pretty simple guy. I... like people, but I don’t entertain a lot. Oh, I’m not a neat freak, but I don’t like clutter. Oh, you know, and the most important thing is, I want the house to use green renewable energy, you know, like solar power and wind power... Unless Brookstone or somebody comes out with a home nuclear reactor, because, I mean, come on, who wouldn’t want one of those?
    Evelyn: “A buttload of money”...

& Jake: She’s only interested in glomming onto Walden.
    Alan: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I think my own mother likes him more than she likes me.
    Jake: ..... Why would that make me feel better?
    Alan: ..... I honestly don’t know.

& Evelyn: Relax, Alan. The only thing I want to pull out of that boy’s pants is his wallet.

& Walden: I’m going to pick up your mom. We’re going furniture shopping.
    Alan: Okay, well, just a little heads up before you journey to the caves of Mordor. My mother has what you might call a, uh, proclivity for younger men.
    Walden: You mean she’s like a cougar?
    Alan: No, she’s not “like a cougar” she’s the mother of all cougars.
    Walden: So kind of an uber-cougar?
    Alan: A super duper uber-cougar.
    Walden: You think a bit of better butter would make her bitter batter better?
    Alan: What?
    Walden: I just like saying that.

& Walden: I’m not going to hook up with your mom.
    Alan: Yeah, if I had a dime for every time I heard that, I’d have $3.60... And I know that doesn’t sound like a lot, but it is 36 times.
    Walden: That’s a very weird thing to keep track of.
    Alan: I got a lot of free time.

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