Two and a Half Men 9×8
Alan: Well, he managed to live 44 years screwing everything that moved without catching a fatal venereal disease. I... I suppose there’s a form of genius in that.
& Jake: I don’t know, Uncle Charlie just never treated me like I was some stupid kid.
Alan: That’s nice.
Jake: He treated me more like a stupid person.
& Alan: Is that all your uncle meant to you— a nice car?
Jake: Of course not— I learned a lot from him.
Alan: Like what?
Jake: Well, let’s see... If it doesn’t fit, don’t force it. It’s always better to say sorry afterwards than ask for permission before... And if it’s burning, bleeding, or oozing, go to see a doctor ASAP.
& Jake: By the way, do you have a number for this Dr. Asap? He’s not listed anywhere.
Alan: What?!
Jake: I mean, I don’t need him right now, but I want to have him on speed dial, so if I do, I can get him as soon as possible.
Alan: ASAP?
Jake: Yeah, him.
Alan: A-S-A-P?!
Jake: I know how to spell it, Dad, I’m not an idiot.
& Alan: Man. I couldn’t score a woman like that if my semen cured cancer.
& Alan: Aw, Charlie. I’ll bet you’re up there watching and laughing your ass off. You left a big hole down here, buddy. And a lot of little ones...
& Walden: Berta, how do you feel about casual sex?
Berta: I’m all for it! Just let me finish the dishes and run a comb through my hair.
& Berta: It’s walking like Zippy, but it sure ain’t talking like Zippy.
Walden: Yeah. I don’t know him as well as you do. Is he prone to having mental breakdowns?
Berta: Prone, no. Eligible, certainly.
& Walden: Hey, you remember that shrink that you sent me to? Maybe you should go see her.
Alan: What for? I’m fine.
Walden: What’s your name?
Alan: Charlie Harper.
& Walden: You’re not fine.
Alan: Well, I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree.
& Walden: I’ll tell you what, why don’t you get some rest, maybe lick your finger, stick it in a light socket, and we’ll revisit this in the morning.
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