11 мая 2014 г.

A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes

Two and a Half Men 9×10

& Jake: Can I ask you a personal question?
    Walden: No, Jake, I’ve never measured my penis.

& Walden: Let’s just say I’d have more money than God, if God only had 900 million.

& Jake: So if you have so much money, why do you do your own grocery shopping? I mean, you could just write a list and hire someone to do it for you. You know, like a 17-year-old go-getter with a valid driver’s license and no chance at getting into college?

& Zoey: Excuse me, do you know the difference between “organic beef” and “grass-fed beef”?
    Walden: Yeah, “organic” is, uh, no antibiotics or growth hormones, but it can still be force-fed grain, which produces a less nutritious product than cows that are allowed to naturally graze on grass. Speaking of which, you’re very pretty, and your accent makes me feel tingly inside.
    Zoey: Speaking of which...?
    Walden: Cows, meat, cuts of steak, London Broil, England, your accent, ’ello!


& Alan: If I could just get a little ahead, I’d be fine.
    Berta: And if I could just lose a little weight, I’d be a swimsuit model... Go ahead, say something, I dare you.
    Alan: Oh, no, no. It’s an apt comparison... They both involve losing your ass.

& Alan: You look like the guy women fantasize about when I’m on top of them.

& Alan: When it comes to dating, wedding rings are like kryptonite. If, you know, Superman was a... vagina.

& Alan: Hi, again.
    Pawn Broker: Oy gevalt.
    Alan: I, uh, brought something else for you.
    Pawn Broker: My sphincter’s tight with anticipation.

& Alan: I need money. I can’t possibly produce enough sperm and blood to get out of the hole I’m in.

& Alan: You’d lend me money if I just asked?
    Walden: No. I don’t believe in lending money. I just give it away.
    Alan: Give it away?
    Walden: Yeah, I think it’s a bad idea to lend people money. They never pay you back, and then you just end up resenting them.

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