Two and a Half Men 9×10
Walden: No, Jake, I’ve never measured my penis.
& Walden: Let’s just say I’d have more money than God, if God only had 900 million.
& Jake: So if you have so much money, why do you do your own grocery shopping? I mean, you could just write a list and hire someone to do it for you. You know, like a 17-year-old go-getter with a valid driver’s license and no chance at getting into college?
& Zoey: Excuse me, do you know the difference between “organic beef” and “grass-fed beef”?
Walden: Yeah, “organic” is, uh, no antibiotics or growth hormones, but it can still be force-fed grain, which produces a less nutritious product than cows that are allowed to naturally graze on grass. Speaking of which, you’re very pretty, and your accent makes me feel tingly inside.
Zoey: Speaking of which...?
Walden: Cows, meat, cuts of steak, London Broil, England, your accent, ’ello!
& Alan: If I could just get a little ahead, I’d be fine.
Berta: And if I could just lose a little weight, I’d be a swimsuit model... Go ahead, say something, I dare you.
Alan: Oh, no, no. It’s an apt comparison... They both involve losing your ass.
& Alan: You look like the guy women fantasize about when I’m on top of them.
& Alan: When it comes to dating, wedding rings are like kryptonite. If, you know, Superman was a... vagina.
& Alan: Hi, again.
Pawn Broker: Oy gevalt.
Alan: I, uh, brought something else for you.
Pawn Broker: My sphincter’s tight with anticipation.
& Alan: I need money. I can’t possibly produce enough sperm and blood to get out of the hole I’m in.
& Alan: You’d lend me money if I just asked?
Walden: No. I don’t believe in lending money. I just give it away.
Alan: Give it away?
Walden: Yeah, I think it’s a bad idea to lend people money. They never pay you back, and then you just end up resenting them.
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+ quotes on the IMDb
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