Taterhead Is Our Love Child

Two and a Half Men 6×1

& Charlie: Look at him. He can type 80 words a minute with his thumb, but he can’t pee without hitting the shower curtain.
    Alan: Fortunately, typing is a job skill and peeing is not.
    Jake: Oh, dude, WTF?

& Charlie: It’s not funny.
    Alan: Well, maybe not funny ha-ha, but certainly funny hee-hee.

& Berta: What’s going on?
    Alan: Well, it would appear that the ol’ spermonator here... has fathered a child.
    Charlie: I did not.
    Alan: How can you be so sure?
    Charlie: ’Cause I never play in the rain without a slicker and galoshes.
    Berta: I’m confused. Where do the galoshes go?
    Charlie: It’s just a figure of speech. Everything that needs to be covered is covered when, you know, covering is appropriate.
    Berta: I didn’t ask for your life story. I was just confused about the galoshes.

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& Charlie: Alan, I have always conducted my sex life according to three simple principles. One: if at all possible, ladies first. Two: it’s easier to be forgiven than ask permission. And third, and most important: the ten seconds it takes to put on a condom beats the hell out of the ten years you have to pretend to like soccer.

& Charlie: I want to ask you a question.
    Jake: Crumb cake, a frappuccino and a burrito supreme.
    Charlie: That’s not the question.
    Jake: Oh, yeah, and a tangerine. That’s what killed me.
    Charlie: Are you done?
    Jake: I hope so, ’cause the toilet won’t flush anymore.
    Charlie: What-What I wanted to ask you is do you think I’ve been a good role model?
    Jake: Are you kidding? You drink, you gamble, you have different women here practically every night... You’re the best role model a guy could want.
    Charlie: You think so?
    Jake: Yeah, they should put your face on money.

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