A Jock Strap in Hell

Two and a Half Men 6×5

& Charlie: Alan, let me ask you something. Do you think I’m a horrible, evil person?
    Alan: Yes. What?! You are.
    Charlie: Thanks a lot.
    Alan: Well, you know, not intentionally evil. I mean, you know, is a tornado evil when it picks up a mobile home and flings it into an orphanage? Is a shark evil when it eats some poor schmuck on a boogie board? Is a flesh-eating virus evil when it attacks...?
    Charlie: I get it, I get it, I get it. I’m a malevolent force of nature.
    Alan: Pretty much.

& Charlie: I gotta tell you, I’m feeling a little guilty.
    Alan: Does that surprise you?
    Charlie: No, what surprises me is the liquor isn’t helping. It just beads up on the guilt and rolls right off it.

& Alan: Oh, come on! This can’t be the first woman who had nervous breakdown, lost her job and wound up taking her clothes off for horny strangers because of you?
    Charlie: Of course not!

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& Alan: I can’t believe you gave her my room.
    Charlie: I can’t believe you’re still calling it your room.
    Alan: How long is this gonna last?
    Charlie: Just until she’ll get back on her feet.
    Alan: Oh, please, that’s a load of crap. That’s what I said to you six years ago.
    Charlie: You’ve been here six years?
    Alan: I’ll just go make up the couch.

& Alan: Story of my life... No boner goes unpunished.

& Charlie: Weird, us both being on our knees at the same time, huh?

& Charlie: Why you looking at me like that?
    Berta: I just don’t want to miss it when you burst into flames.

& Alan: What happened to all your guilt about ruining her life?
    Charlie: Oh, I still got it. I’m just learning to live with it.
    Alan: You’re unbelievable.
    Charlie: Oh, come on. I tried to do the right thing. My intentions were good.
    Alan: That’s the funny thing about you. Doesn’t seem to matter what your intentions are. Good, bad or indifferent, everyone around you ends up suffering.
    Charlie: So it’s not my fault, right?

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