Pie Hole, Herb

Two and a Half Men 6×2

& Berta: Our Jughead went to earn some money?
    Alan: Well, it’s not really a paycheck, and he’s not really earning it and we don’t call him... I guess you’re right. He’s really Jughead.
    Berta: I remember my first job. Slaughterhouse. Strippin’ out sheep intestines for the condom companies.
    Alan: ...
    Berta: Not as sexy as it sounds.
    Alan: I was a fluffer in a pet salon.
    Berta: ...
    Alan: You know, with a blow dryer.
    Berta: I was going a completely different way.

& Alan: A couple hundred? Who carries around that kind of money?
    Charlie: Well, let’s see... Strippers, bookies, prostitutes, and not entirely coincidentally... me.

& Alan: Well, I’ve only got... 35, 36... 38.
    Charlie: That’s it? That’s your walking around money?
    Alan: It’s the perfect amount in case I get mugged. See, not so little that my attacker will get angry and try and pistol-whip me, yet not so much that I would feel obliged to fight for it and possibly be shot while wrestling for the gun.
    Charlie: ... Just out of curiosity, how much money would it take for you to wrestle a gun from a mugger?
    Alan: Assuming a small- to medium- sized mugger, at least... $40.

& Charlie: Fine, so, give me the $38.
    Alan: All of it?
    Charlie: Why not?
    Alan: Then I’ve got nothing.
    Charlie: And you think $38 changes that?
    Alan: What if I decide to go out and have some fun?
    Charlie: $38 worth of fun?
    Alan: I wouldn’t spend all of it.
    Charlie: Okay, okay, look, you’re not going out to have fun. You never go out to have fun, because you know why? You’re not a fun guy.
    Alan: Oh, I am very much a fun guy. We just have different definitions of fun, and mine doesn’t include urinary tract infections and dry heaving.

---

& Alan: What about me?
    Charlie: What about you?
    Alan: I want my $40.
    Charlie: I only borrowed $38.
    Alan: Yeah, well, I find round numbers easier to remember.
    Charlie: Oh, you like round numbers, do you?
    Alan: Yes, I like round numbers.
    Charlie: Okay, here’s a round number for you. Zero. Nice, tight circular shape. Nothing gets in, nothing gets out. Sound familiar, Anal?
    Alan: Are you calling me anal?
    Charlie: That’s right. A-L-A-N, anal.

& Alan: Hey, hey, you borrow $38, you owe me $38.
    Charlie: Yeah, well, you’ve been living in my Malibu beach house for six years. You owe me $1 million.
    Alan: A million dollars?
    Charlie: That’s a one followed by six tight little sphincters.

& Jake: Where’s he gonna sleep?
    Alan: I’m not a “he.” I’m your father.
    Jake: How’d you get to be my father if you’re not a “he”?

& Judith: He’s a model train aficionado.
    Alan: Aficionado?!
    Judith: He works hard. He deserves a hobby.
    Jake: Sometimes he lets me wear the hat.
    Alan: I begged you for years to let me turn that into a game room! Bumper pool, ping-pong, something.
    Judith: Oh, this is different.
    Alan: How?
    Judith: Herb can play with his trains alone.
    Alan: I’m sure he does plenty of stuff in there alone.
    Judith: Excuse me?
    Alan: Nothing.
    Jake: I got it.

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