& The Ghost: I can’t believe the punks I have to deal with these days. It really makes me miss the ’90s, when we had professionals around.
& Jenko: What if we actually went into the secret service and, like, tried to protect the white house? I think...
Schmidt: I don’t think that would work.
& Schmidt: Sir, can I just say, it is so refreshing to have a case with a black victim. I mean, we care so much more because she’s black.
Jenko: I think what he’s really trying to say is that we care equally. It’s a tie, really, how much we care.
Schmidt: Uh... no, we’re not. If it was a white person, I wouldn’t even care. One less cracker-ass cracker to worry about.
Cpt. Dickson: Why every time you speak I want to throw the fuck up?
& Jenko: Co-ed bathrooms...
Schmidt: What? Oh, shit. I’m not gonna take a shit the entire time I’m here.
& Schmidt: What’s up?
Girl in Bathroom: ’Sup?
Schmidt: Just exhausted from inventing Facebook or whatever website people our age use.
& Schmidt: I don’t have a single lead.
Jenko: I do. I hear you can get whyphy on campus anywhere 24/7.
Schmidt: Do you think they mean whyphy the drug or wi-fi like the Internet?
Jenko: What... Fuck you, brain.
& Schmidt: Look, I just want you to know I’m not, like, a «hit it and quit it» type of fella. I’m, like, a «hit it, continue to hit it both physically and emotionally» kind of guy, so...
& Schmidt: We’re talking missionary. We’re talking when I’m on top and she’s on her back.
& Schmidt: She’s smart, she’s an art major.
Cpt. Dickson: She can’t be that smart. She’s a fucking art major.
& Cpt. Dickson: What can a black man do to get some water around here?!
Schmidt: Give the fucking guy some water! He’s black! He’s been through a lot!
& Zook: Brad, this could be our shot. We’re like the dynamic duo, bro. We’re like Batman and Robin. But we’re both Batman.
& Schmidt: What’d you say embedding was? Embedding?
Dr. Murphy: Oh, embedding is our tendency to latch on to the first bit of information that we’re offered and overlooking, or even ignoring, contradictory information. It’s a fascinating principle...
Schmidt: Shut up. I’m thinking.
& Cpt. Dickson: Now, gentlemen, we’re not gonna sit here and pretend there’s not a big-ass elephant in the room.
& Jenko: What? I thought we had Cate Blanchett.
Cpt. Dickson: Cate blanchett?
Jenko: Yeah, I thought we had Cate Blanchett with the budget.
Schmidt: You mean «carte blanche.»
Jenko: Yeah. That one.
Cpt. Dickson: Welcome back, dum-dum.
& Jenko: Did you just call us «faggots»?.. It’s 2014, asshole. You can’t fucking use «faggot.» «Gay» is okay. «Homosexual,» maybe. And if you know the person, you might be able to call them a «queer.» If they have a great sense of humor, but I don’t.
& Jenko: You’re the smart person. You do the tracking device shit. That’s your domain. I do the physical shit.
Schmidt: You know what, I may drag you down sometimes, but every possible time you can do something dumb, you do the dumbest possible thing.
& Cpt. Dickson: We Jump Street, and we about to jump in yo’ ass.
& Schmidt: Get out of the way! Tokyo drift! ... That was way too fast and pretty... Way too... A little bit too furious.
& Jenko: I just realized something. You don’t hold me down, man. You lift me up.
Schmidt: Literally and figuratively.
Jenko: Yeah, I know. I meant both.
& Cpt. Dickson: Congratulations, you two. You managed to un-fuck up the situation you originally fucked up.
Schmidt: Thanks.
Cpt. Dickson: I wish you can un-fuck my daughter, but I’m gonna let that be the past.
& Cpt. Dickson: Now, for your next mission, you two sons of bitches are going to medical school...
& Schmidt: Do svidanya.
Jenko: Vodka soda.
--
+ quotes on the IMDb
Σ Hilarious.
& Jenko: What if we actually went into the secret service and, like, tried to protect the white house? I think...
Schmidt: I don’t think that would work.
& Schmidt: Sir, can I just say, it is so refreshing to have a case with a black victim. I mean, we care so much more because she’s black.
Jenko: I think what he’s really trying to say is that we care equally. It’s a tie, really, how much we care.
Schmidt: Uh... no, we’re not. If it was a white person, I wouldn’t even care. One less cracker-ass cracker to worry about.
Cpt. Dickson: Why every time you speak I want to throw the fuck up?
& Jenko: Co-ed bathrooms...
Schmidt: What? Oh, shit. I’m not gonna take a shit the entire time I’m here.
& Schmidt: What’s up?
Girl in Bathroom: ’Sup?
Schmidt: Just exhausted from inventing Facebook or whatever website people our age use.
& Schmidt: I don’t have a single lead.
Jenko: I do. I hear you can get whyphy on campus anywhere 24/7.
Schmidt: Do you think they mean whyphy the drug or wi-fi like the Internet?
Jenko: What... Fuck you, brain.
& Schmidt: Look, I just want you to know I’m not, like, a «hit it and quit it» type of fella. I’m, like, a «hit it, continue to hit it both physically and emotionally» kind of guy, so...
& Schmidt: We’re talking missionary. We’re talking when I’m on top and she’s on her back.
& Schmidt: She’s smart, she’s an art major.
Cpt. Dickson: She can’t be that smart. She’s a fucking art major.
& Cpt. Dickson: What can a black man do to get some water around here?!
Schmidt: Give the fucking guy some water! He’s black! He’s been through a lot!
& Zook: Brad, this could be our shot. We’re like the dynamic duo, bro. We’re like Batman and Robin. But we’re both Batman.
& Schmidt: What’d you say embedding was? Embedding?
Dr. Murphy: Oh, embedding is our tendency to latch on to the first bit of information that we’re offered and overlooking, or even ignoring, contradictory information. It’s a fascinating principle...
Schmidt: Shut up. I’m thinking.
& Cpt. Dickson: Now, gentlemen, we’re not gonna sit here and pretend there’s not a big-ass elephant in the room.
& Jenko: What? I thought we had Cate Blanchett.
Cpt. Dickson: Cate blanchett?
Jenko: Yeah, I thought we had Cate Blanchett with the budget.
Schmidt: You mean «carte blanche.»
Jenko: Yeah. That one.
Cpt. Dickson: Welcome back, dum-dum.
& Jenko: Did you just call us «faggots»?.. It’s 2014, asshole. You can’t fucking use «faggot.» «Gay» is okay. «Homosexual,» maybe. And if you know the person, you might be able to call them a «queer.» If they have a great sense of humor, but I don’t.
& Jenko: You’re the smart person. You do the tracking device shit. That’s your domain. I do the physical shit.
Schmidt: You know what, I may drag you down sometimes, but every possible time you can do something dumb, you do the dumbest possible thing.
& Cpt. Dickson: We Jump Street, and we about to jump in yo’ ass.
& Schmidt: Get out of the way! Tokyo drift! ... That was way too fast and pretty... Way too... A little bit too furious.
& Jenko: I just realized something. You don’t hold me down, man. You lift me up.
Schmidt: Literally and figuratively.
Jenko: Yeah, I know. I meant both.
& Cpt. Dickson: Congratulations, you two. You managed to un-fuck up the situation you originally fucked up.
Schmidt: Thanks.
Cpt. Dickson: I wish you can un-fuck my daughter, but I’m gonna let that be the past.
& Cpt. Dickson: Now, for your next mission, you two sons of bitches are going to medical school...
& Schmidt: Do svidanya.
Jenko: Vodka soda.
--
+ quotes on the IMDb
Σ Hilarious.
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