The Devil's Lube

Two and a Half Men 6×11

& Charlie: Hey, what are you doing?
    Jake: I was trying to research cars, but you wouldn’t believe what comes up when you Google “Hummer...”
    Charlie: Actually, I would.

& Charlie: Anyway, you’re probably wondering why I bought it for you.
    Evelyn: Well, I just assumed you love me and did it out of the goodness of your heart... I’m kidding. Why, dear?
    Charlie: Okay, I deserve that. But the truth is I do love you and despite our many differences, I’m glad you’re my mother.
    Evelyn: You didn’t drive over here drunk, did you?
    Charlie: I’m not drunk. I just... I’ve been thinking a lot about how fleeting life is, and that none of us really knows how long we’re gonna be here.
    Evelyn: Did you find another lump on your pee-pee?
    Charlie: No, Mom, my pee-pee’s fine. I don’t know how “worn down to a nub” can be fine, but all right.

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& Charlie: So young. I can’t believe it.
    Alan: Yeah... Who’d have thought smoking, drinking and whoring could kill you?

& Charlie: Rose...
    Rose: Yes, Charlie?
    Charlie: Would you do me the honor of... I’m sorry. Let me just get rid of this.

& Berta: Look at him... he’s gonna live forever.
    Alan: Nah, it’s just gonna seem like forever. He smokes, he drinks, he parties like there’s no tomorrow. Me?.. I have Mexican food and a couple of beers and I’m farting blood.
    Berta: Yeah, boo-hoo. You just said Mexican food and I grew a third butt cheek.
    Alan: Life isn’t fair, is it, Berta?
    Berta: If it were, you’d be cleaning my toilets and I’d have my own talk show.
    Alan: A talk show?!
    Berta: Why not? I’m personable.

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On the IMDb