Big Episode: Someone Stole a Spoon

Two and a Half Men 10×19

& Berta: Shall I light some candles and put on some music?
    Walden: We’re doing yoga.
    Berta: It’s none of my business. Put a towel down.

& Walden: Berta, that’s the doorbell.
    Berta: Heard it. Not getting it.
    Alan: I’ll get it. I need a break anyway.
    Walden: It’s only been 5 minutes.
    Alan: Not the first time I’ve heard that.

& Walden: That feels good. I love you, Herb.
    Berta: We’re gonna need a code word so I stop walking in on this stuff.

& Alan: Got the ice. It’s crushed. Kind of like your balls.
    Walden: That is the worst pain I’ve ever experienced.
    Herb: Says the only guy in this room who wasn’t married to Judith.

& Walden: How did this happen?
    Herb: Well, imagine your testicles hanging like wind chimes. Most days they sway gently and you hear a beautiful melody. Other days, the wind kicks up, they get twisted and it sounds... like a washing machine full of cowbells.

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& Herb: Well, good news. Everything looks completely normal. And speaking as a medical professional, your junk is extraordinary.
    Walden: Thank you.
    Herb: I didn’t know whether to examine it or feed it a peanut.

& Herb: Hey, while you’re here... can I ask a little personal advice?
    Walden: You’ve had your hands down my pants on two separate occasions. If you were a woman, I’d be meeting your parents.

& Herb: How did you get over your wife leaving you?
    Walden: You know the five stages of grief?
    Herb: Sure.
    Walden: They left out the three best ones: Pot, one night stands, and buying a beach house.

& Walden: It gets better. Just gotta get out there and meet somebody new.
    Herb: It’s tough. Judith and I were together for a long time.
    Walden: I get it. She was your world. But trust me, you will meet someone else to spend the rest of your life with. In my case it was Alan...

& Alan: Hey. Who are your friends?
    Walden: Oh, this is Plaxitril and she sells Kristen.
    Kristen: No, no, no. I’m Kristen. I sell Plaxitril.
    Walden: I’m pretty sure it’s the other way around.
    Kristen: .....

& Kristen: Have you seen my bra?
    Alan: Uh, no.
    Kristen: Your son hid it somewhere.
    Alan: I’m sorry, my son?!
    Kristen: Yeah. Walden.

& Walden: Wow. This looks like Charlie Sheen’s house.

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