Untainted by Filth

Two and a Half Men 7×7

& Chelsea: Who wants more potatoes?
    Berta: Hit me.
    Charlie: Uh, Chelsea, the way it’s supposed to work here is that Berta serves us dinner.
    Chelsea: I don’t mind.
    Berta: Hear that? She doesn’t mind. Shut up.

& Chelsea: So?
    Charlie: So, what?
    Chelsea: Do you want to get married in June?
    Charlie: Oh, we’re back on that. Well, I can’t think of any good reason why not. And believe me, I’m trying.

& Jake: What do I gotta do?
    Chelsea: You just walk down the aisle with the bridesmaids... and stand with Charlie during the ceremony.
    Jake: Tell me more about the bridesmaids.
    Chelsea: They’re friends of mine.
    Jake: So they’re old.
    Chelsea: ... No, not all of them. I have a niece who’s about your age.
    Jake: Is she pretty?
    Chelsea: I think she’s cute.
    Jake: Okay, I know what that means. She’s not a brainiac, is she?
    Chelsea: What does that mean?
    Jake: Well, I don’t like them stupid, but I don’t like them talking down to me either.
    Chelsea: Got it.
    Jake: And I like a little junk in the trunk.

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& Alan: Come to find out that what I thought was a boil on my neck... was actually a carbuncle.
    Betsy: Lovely.
    Alan: Little known fact, uh, carbuncles are technically in the boil family. But it takes way longer to drain... Charlie, help me here, I’m dying.
    Charlie: No, you’re doing fine. Tell her about your hemorrhoids.

& Charlie: What happened?
    Alan: I don’t know.
    Charlie: Who is she?
    Alan: I don’t know.
    Charlie: What the hell do you know, Alan?
    Alan: I know we’re in a strange woman’s bed, together, naked.

& Chelsea: I’m gonna make you a great wife, Charlie Harper.
    Charlie: I know. And I’m gonna... cut down on my drinking.

& Evelyn: Well, whatever you do, don’t tell Chelsea about it. Confession may be good for the soul, but it’s a hot lead enema to a marriage.

& Evelyn: Let me tell you a story. Many years ago when I was married to your second stepfather...
    Charlie: The carpet king?
    Evelyn: Well, I called him that. It wasn’t his occupation.

& Evelyn: Well, I was lonely, bored, and the circus was in town. And when I woke up in that Motel 6... clown makeup smeared all over my bosom, I was alone. The Chinese acrobats, the strong man, the little people... moved on to the next town.
    Charlie: Oh, my God! What did you do then?
    Evelyn: Well, what could I do? I showered, plucked the sequins from my hoo-hoo... held my head up and got on with my life.

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+ quotes on the IMDb