Crude and Uncalled For

Two and a Half Men 7×14

& Alan: ...And here’s another money saver. If you buy a big bag of irregular socks... you can pair up the good ones and use the cash you save for underwear.
    Louanne: Good to know.
    Alan: And you can use the leftover misfit socks for dusting gloves... golf club cozies, even a hand puppet.
    Louanne: A hand puppet?
    Alan: Oh, sure. A couple of buttons for eyes and you’re ready to go.

& Jake: What happened to your hand?
    Alan: I won’t lie to you... I got into a bar fight and punched a guy in the face.
    Jake: Yeah, right.
    Alan: No, I’m serious. I spent the night in jail!
    Jake: Fine, don’t tell me. I was just trying to make conversation.

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& Alan: Charlie, I’m just saying that if Chelsea were my fiancé... I wouldn’t leave her alone with this guy.
    Charlie: If she was your fiancé, you’d have big problems.
    Alan: Like what?
    Charlie: Like being the last man on Earth.

& Alan: This is why I always tell you to keep an emergency kit in your car.
    Charlie: Yeah.
    Alan: No matter what happens... I know that in my trunk is a thermal blanket... flashlight, batteries, bottled water and assorted protein bars.
    Charlie: You hear that, Jake? You have an inheritance.
    Jake: I already ate the protein bars.

& Charlie: Relax, there’s no mountain lions.
    Jake: You know, this is where it normally goes bad in slasher movies. One guy falls back a little bit, usually to smoke pot or have sex... and then he gets his head hacked off.
    Alan: Well, let that be a lesson to you about drugs and premarital sex.

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