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Two and a Half Men 7×9

& Charlie: Wow. That was great.
    Chelsea: Good, I’m glad.
    Charlie: Wait, wait, wait. You’re glad?
    Chelsea: Yeah.
    Charlie: I knew it! There was no “gaa.”
    Chelsea: Gaa?
    Charlie: When the sex is working for you, you try to say “God” but it comes out “gaa.” This time, there was no “gaa.”
    Chelsea: Charlie.
    Charlie: No “gaa,” no good.

& Chelsea: Fireworks don’t have to go off every time for me to enjoy it.
    Charlie: Oh, please. Fireworks is the whole point of the exercise. Otherwise, all you’ve got is two naked people humping on a StairMaster.

& Chelsea: Sometimes it’s nice just being close.
    Charlie: “Nice being close.” Great. Now I know what it’s like to be my brother.

& Charlie: his is the beginning of the end. First our sex life goes to hell, then we start eating dinner at 4:30... watching reruns of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. And at 9:00, we shake hands, pee and go to sleep. Then around midnight, I get up to pee again.

& Charlie: If he can score just once before I die, my life will have been worthwhile.
    Berta: Then you might wanna start eating healthier.

& Berta: What’s the big occasion tonight?
    Charlie: There’s no big occasion. Trying to keep the fire going with Chelsea.
    Berta: You know what’s good for that? Doing it in public.
    Charlie: Really?
    Berta: Yeah. There’s nothing like the thrill of thinking you might get caught. I gotta tell you, you almost walked in on me a couple of times.

---

& Charlie: Good news, Alan. You’re going to the movies tonight.

& Charlie: So... did you make your way around the mountain?
Chelsea: Excuse me?
Charlie: You know... Were you driving six white horses?
Chelsea: What are you talking about?
Charlie: She’ll be driving six white horses When she...
Chelsea: Are you asking me if I had an orgasm, Charlie?
Charlie: Yeah, but I’m trying to be cute about it.

& Chelsea: Sex is not just about orgasms.
Charlie: Oh, really? Then how are we supposed to know when we’re done?

& Charlie: Hi. Didn’t see you there.
Berta: That’s the first time anyone ever said that to me.
Charlie: Taking a lunch break?
Berta: Sure, let’s call it that.

& Charlie: Mind if I ask you a question?
    Berta: It’s Liz Taylor’s White Diamonds.
    Charlie: What?
    Berta: My fragrance. You can get it at Costco.
    Charlie: Nice.
    Berta: Great stocking staffer for Christmas.
    Charlie: I’ll remember.
    Berta: I’ll act surprised.

& Charlie: Then what’s it about?
    Chelsea: It’s personal.
    Charlie: What’s more personal than bumping pee-pees?

& Charlie: Let me just make sure I’m following this. Knowing this guy is getting married... has gotten in the way of you having an orgasm.
    Chelsea: Maybe. I think so.
    Charlie: Boy, women...
    Chelsea: What’s that supposed to mean?
    Charlie: Nothing. Nothing. It’s just, I once had an orgasm with a lawn dart in my foot.
    Chelsea: Do you think I’m crazy?
    Charlie: No, no. No. Having sex over the hedge from where the kids... were throwing the lawn darts, that was crazy.

& Chelsea: You do realize that Jake just snack out of the house.
    Charlie: Well, he’s grounded. How else is he gonna leave?

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On the IMDb