Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste

Two and a Half Men 7×12

& Charlie: And what makes you think I’m not gonna have sex?
    Chelsea: Excuse me?!?!
    Charlie: Hey, when the cat’s away, the mice masturbate.

& Alan: I’m not even looking for sex. I just want a little companionship.
    Charlie: That’s rough. Buy a dog.
    Alan: You said I couldn’t have a dog.
    Charlie: Fine, buy a dog and move. You know what would be great? If you could find a dog with its own house.

& Alan: By any chance, do you wanna go out and maybe grab a bite?
    Herb: Really? You and me?
    Alan: Sure, why not?
    Herb: It’s kind of weird, isn’t it? You’re the ex-husband, I’m the current.
    Alan: So we’ve got something in common.
    Herb: We do, don’t we?
    Alan: Right. Neither one of us is having sex with Judith.

& Charlie: I promise, you’ll get over this. You’ll meet somebody else, you’ll love her, she won’t love you... she’ll love you, you’ll love each other... but she’s married to a cop who catches you in a motel room... and beats you near to death with his big police flashlight. The point is, you got a lot of living to do. Right, Berta?
    Berta: You don’t wanna piss off a cop.
    Jake: Thanks, Uncle Charlie. You’ve really given me a lot to think about.

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& Charlie: I mean, girls don’t generally respond to desperation.
    Jake: How do you know?
    Charlie: Are you kidding? I’ve been watching your father get shot down for 25 years. It’s like living with an Air Force training film.

& Charlie: Jake, you gotta start looking at this differently. Women are kind of like the little boxes of cereal in one of those variety packs.
    Jake: I like the variety packs.
    Charlie: I know you do.
    Jake: They should put in more sugary cereals and less cereals that help you poop.
    Charlie: No argument. But my point is the variety-pack approach gives you a choice.
    Jake: It’s not that great a choice. In a pack of eight, there’s at least three pooping cereals.
    Charlie: We’re getting away from the point. What’s your favorite cereal?
    Jake: It used to be Franken Berry, but Froot Loops now. They don’t get soggy as fast.
    Charlie: Got it.
    Jake: Milk tastes better afterward.
    Charlie: Okay, okay, okay. So imagine Celeste is Froot Loops. You like her now, but who’s to say she isn’t tomorrow’s Franken Berry?
    Jake: You’re wrong. Celeste will always be my Froot Loops.

& Jake: I miss Celeste...
    Charlie: I miss Chelsea...
    Alan: I miss Herb... I mean, Sex and the City! I miss Sex and the City.
    Charlie: Yeah, Alan, that’s much less gay.

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