Two and a Half Men 4x5

A Live Woman of Proven Fertility

& Jake: Hey, Mom.
    Judith: Hey, honey. Would you, uh, wait in the car?
    Jake: Who’s in trouble? Me or Dad?
    Judith: No one’s in trouble.
    Jake: It’s you.

& Alan: I am a little surprised at you. I’d think you’d want your mom to be happy.
    Jake: Hey, she can be happy all she wants... I just don’t need some jerk pretending he’s my dad.
    Alan: Oh, why not?
    Jake: Because I already have a dad.
    Charlie: And he’s already a jerk.

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& Alan: How’s the sex?
    Dr. Melnick: That’s a little personal, isn’t it?
    Alan: Hey, I didn’t ask which way you point her. I wanna make sure you two kids are compatible.
    Dr. Melnick: Oh, well, there’s no problem in that area.
    Charlie: See, Alan? It was you.
    Alan: That’s me. The original one-pump chump. Ha.
    Dr. Melnick: So I hear.

& Alan: Listen, fatherhood is no big deal. Truth is, with the Internet and everything, they practically raise themselves.

& Alan: He’s gonna make a great stepdad for Jake...
    Charlie: Yeah, whatever.
    Alan: And with the alimony I save, I can go out to eat every night. In restaurants. And I’m not talking early-bird special. I can eat when it’s dark out with people my own age.

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+ quotes on the Imdb.