Two and a Half Men 3x24

That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite

& Alan: The rule of thumb with an engagement ring... is that the price should equal three months’ salary.
    Charlie: I wonder what broad came up with that.
    Alan: It’s a marketing scheme dreamed up by the international diamond cartel.
    Charlie: Probably a bunch of chicks.

& Charlie: At least diamonds are forever.
    Alan: Oh, yeah, forever. My ex-wife still has hers. Meanwhile, I’m wearing mismatched socks from the irregular bin.

& Alan: I can’t believe you’re doing this at all.
    Charlie: Why not? Why shouldn’t someone like me settle down with a wife and kids?
    Alan: Boy, I don’t know where to start...

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& Berta: Well, look who’s here. The bride of Drunkenstein.

& Charlie: Did you like being married?
    Alan: Oh, I loved being married.
    Charlie: Never missed having sex with other women?
    Alan: Sure. But I missed that before I got married too. What I loved was the idea of having someone that I could always turn to. Someone who cared about me. Someone who’d always stand by me through thick and thin...
    Charlie: It does sound nice.
    Alan: Yeah, so does Disneyland. Yet every day people stagger off those giant teacups covered in vomit.
    Charlie: But you’d do it again?
    Alan: What can I say? Marriage is a great ride... until you puke.

& Charlie: I think we’re the lucky couple.
    Mia: Relax, I just want to talk to you about our honeymoon.
    Charlie: I’ll take you anywhere you wanna go. Frankly, I’d pick a place with a nice ceiling... because we’re just gonna take turns looking at it.

& Kandy: When I was a little girl, I used to love playing bride.
    Alan: Me too... I mean, I was the groom! Most of the time.

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+ quotes on the Imdb.

End of Season 3