Two and a Half Men 4x3

The Sea Is a Harsh Mistress

& Alan: You’re going to hell, you know.
    Charlie: I don’t think so. I believe in a loving God who forgives little fibs... as long as they lead to recreational sex.
    Alan: You really wanna drag God into this?
    Charlie: Who gave me the penis, Alan?

& Charlie: Something happened out there while I was drowning.
    Alan: What, did your entire sordid, degenerate life flash before your eyes?
    Charlie: I wish...

& Alan: When was the last time you called her to see how she was doing?
    Charlie: Uh... ooh. What’s today? Sunday?
    Alan: Mm.
    Charlie: Then never.

& Alan: What happened to your mouth?!
    Evelyn: I just had a little procedure.
    Alan: What kind of procedure?
    Charlie: They sucked some fat out of her ass and shot it into her lips.
    Alan: What did they do, use the whole ass?
    Evelyn: They’re just a little swollen. In two days, they’ll be plump, luscious and ready for action.
    Alan: What boy doesn’t like hearing that from his mother?

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& Berta: Good Lord! What did you do, fellate a beehive?

& Berta: Man, the last time I saw a mouth like that, it was trying to eat Jacques Cousteau.

& Charlie: You know why I won’t share with you, Mom? Because anything I say will be used against me.
    Evelyn: Oh, please.
    Charlie: I have to go to the bathroom... maybe I have a prostate problem. I buy a new Mercedes, you call it a Nazi phallic symbol. I’m seeing someone new, you ask if I’m paying her by the hour or per schtup.

& Charlie: What are you watching?
    Evelyn: Some old gangster movie.
    Charlie: Any good?
    Evelyn: Not really. It just gives me a warm feeling to know... that all those young, beautiful actors are now dead.

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+ quotes on the Imdb.