Two and a Half Men 4x1

Working for Caligula

& Charlie: The best part is: Without Jake here, Mom has no reason to visit. Heck, I may not have to see her again until we meet in hell.

& Berta: Oh, jeez... I’m working for Caligula.

& Alan: Hi, Berta.
    Berta: Hey, Zippy. What are you doing here?
    Alan: My marriage is over. Kandi kicked me out.
    Berta: Damn, that’s horrible.
    Alan: Yeah.
    Berta: Damn, damn, damn.
    Alan: Tell me about it.
    Berta: I had October in the pool.
    Alan: Pool? What...? What pool?
    Berta: Me, your brother, your mom... a couple of neighbors had a pool on how long before she dumped your ass. I was so close.
    Alan: You were betting my marriage would fail?
    Berta: No, we were betting on when.

& Alan: Jake, listen, I know you liked Kandi very much... but she and I have decided that we really can’t stay married.
    Jake: Oh, man.
    Alan: It doesn’t mean that you can’t be friends.
    Jake: No, I had December.

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& Judith: Alan, I just wanna say I’m very sorry things didn’t work out for you and Kandi.
    Alan: Thanks... You won the pool, didn’t you?
    Judith: Yeah.

& Charlie: And how are you feeling about all this?
    Jake: I’m okay.
    Charlie: Are you sure?
    Jake: Uncle Charlie, this is not my first divorce.

& Alan: See, I’ve failed again.
    Charlie: Will you shut up and listen to me? Failure is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s a part of life. It’s how we learn.
    Alan: Well, you know what? I’ve failed for almost 40 years... and what have I learned?
    Charlie: Oh, that wasn’t a rhetorical question?

& Rose: Alan, I know what it’s like to lose at love...
    Alan: Rose?
    Rose: Yes, baby?
    Alan: You’re a stalker.
    Rose: We prefer to be called boundary challenged.
    Alan: Just go away.
    Rose: Go away? Ha. Alan, I’m a stalker.

& Rose: It may not be just the relationship.
    Charlie: What are you talking about?
    Rose: Charlie, I’ve studied psychology for eight years and been a patient for 20. Your brother is exhibiting all the classic signs of clinical depression.
    Charlie: What, you think he might try to hurt himself?
    Rose: The important question is, do we stop him?
    Berta: ......... Oh, like I’m the only one here thinking that.

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+ quotes on the Imdb.