Episode #2.6
& — How would you describe your ability?
Brian, Milkman, Monsieur Grande Fromage: I call it lacto-kinesis.
Kelly: That has to be the shittest power ever.
& Nathan: Look, we finish our community service in two days. Count them. I don't know about you, but I'm not exactly swamped with lucrative job offers. We need to think about cashing in on our powers. I mean, I'm immortal. I shouldn't be flipping burgers, I should be eating burgers, massive burgers, the size of my head. Think about it, we could have really cool superhero names. Captain Invincible. Mr. Backwards. The Invisible Cunt.
Simon: Why do I have to be the Invisible Cunt?
Nathan: Because you just are, man.
& Nathan: I mean, what's the point in all of us having superpowers if we can't use them to make obscene amounts of money and shag loads of drunk, impressionable girls. It's clearly what God intended for us. I for one will not let Him down.
& Kelly: How did they find out about us?
Nathan: What? No, I didn't do anything... I don't think I did... I'm almost certain I didn't.
& Nathan: You! You told them about us.
Shaun: Yeah.
Curtis: You sit on your arse doing nothing for six weeks and then you sell us out.
Shaun: Looks like that, doesn't it? Is that ironic? Never too sure.
Kelly: You're our probation worker. You're supposed to sort us out.
Shaun: I'm sure you'll be fine.
Alisha: Like you give a shit.
Shaun: That's a good point. See you.
Curtis: Where're you going?
Shaun: Antigua. Hm. So, this is goodbye, so long, and fuck off.
& Simon: We have to go into hiding. We assume new identities. We break off all connection with our family and friends. We wear disguises* and only go out after dark.
Nathan: I'm not loving the sound of that. Do you expect me never to see my mum again? Who's going to do my washing? Huh? You have not thought this through.
& Curtis: I guess we should ask her about that.
Nathan: Yeah. I'm not saying we have, but what would happen, hypothetically speaking, if it came to light that we may have killed one or two people? Probation workers and such. No-one important.
Laura: I would say that these people you may or may not have killed were evil. You were protecting society. You're not murderers. You're heroes. Superheroes. Rich, famous superheroes. And if that doesn't work, we vanish the bodies and pay off the relatives.
Nathan: Good answer.
& Nathan: Teeth, good. Hair, beautiful. Cock, in. Flies, up. Let's go be famous. Hello, ladies!
& Nathan: Sorry I'm late. I was just enjoying the fruits of our new-found fame and celebrity. You know I'm not actually talking about fruit. Although you should see the size of my fruit bowl... Massive!
Kelly: Did you shag those skanky* girls?
Nathan: I most certainly did.
& Laura: Is there anything else I need to know? Yes?
Nathan: Just before I started my Community Service... there was an incident with this girl...
Laura: What kind of incident?
Nathan: I picked her up in this dentist's waiting room. She was having some kind of oral surgery. So we go out... a few drinks, a couple of kebabs, then it's straight back to her place and start with the shagging. I've built up a nice rhythm... I'm getting really close to blowing my load, just hovering in the pleasure zone. And then BAM! All hell breaks lose. I tripled myself.
Laura: I'm not familiar with that term.
Nathan: You know... Tripling. It's when you cum, puke and shit yourself all at the same time.
Curtis: Fuck's sake!
Nathan: Three bodily functions. Doing the triple. You're telling me that's never happened to you?
& Nathan: There's puss seeping out of my cock.
Kelly: Ugh!
Nathan: One of those three girls, or the girl I shagged in the toilets at the club, one of them had poor personal hygiene. This is a catastrophe of tsunami-like proportions. No girl in her right mind is going to have sex with that.
Kelly: You should ask that Daisy girl to cure you.
Nathan: Right. She wants to cure the world, she can start with my cock.
& Alisha: I thought I'd feel like we'd made it. You know, all this fame stuff. It just... feels a bit... pointless.
Nathan: Of course it's pointless! That's why famous people pretend to care about the Africans.
& Simon: We're together?
Alisha: Yeah, we were, and we will be again... I hope we will be. You think you're surprised? Imagine being me!
& Simon: And then I die?
Alisha: You saved my life. You said if you didn't come back and die, you wouldn't become the person you needed to be.
Simon: It's like in Terminator, when John Connor sends Kyle Reece back in time so that he can be his father.
Alisha: I have no idea what you're talking about.
& Nathan: OK, stand by for rehearsals*, please. If blowing my brains out live on national television doesn't get the ladies juiced, nothing will.
& Kelly: Have I got time to go to the toilet before you shoot yourself?
Nathan: A piss, yes. A shit, probably not.
& Nathan: And now, for your viewing pleasure, I will blow my brains out, live on national television. Enjoy. ...... And that, boys and girls, is how you shoot yourself in the head. I wouldn't recommend trying it at home.
& Simon: I just want you to know... being here with all of you, it's been the best time of my life.
Nathan: I had a week in Spain last year. That was way better.
Curtis: What is up with all of you? All the shit we've been through.
We're all here. We're all alive. We made it.
Nathan: Great! And I have no job, no money, no girlfriend, nowhere to live, no useful skills or qualifications. OK, so I'm immortal. But other than that, I've basically got fuck all going for me. What are we going to do tomorrow? Or the day after that? Huh? We have just been shat out onto a huge pool of piss with all the other long-term unemployable.
Kelly: Does anyone fancy a drink?
-- Dict:
disguise — маскировка
skanky — уродина
rehearsals — репетиция; повторение
On Imdb.
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