Dinner for Schmucks (2/2)

Beginning

& Barry: Hey, Tim? The first night alone is always the hardest. I can sleep in there with you if you want.
    Tim: No, thank you.
    Barry: Hey, just don't think about the fact that you can't sleep.
Because then you're sunk. Then you just start thinking, "What's going on?", your mind starts reeling*. "Where's Julie? Oh, she's with Kieran. Is he a better lover than I am? Yes, he is." Don't think about that. Get those thoughts out of your head.


& Barry: Tim? Tim! Tim! Hi, Tim? We switched phones. I need to talk to you. Julie has to go to that brunch! OK. ... Hi, Tim, me again. I just realized you can't get my messages. My password is P-A-S-S-W-O-R-D. OK. ... Oh, God! You can't get that message, either! Why am I...?!


& Darla: I don't think you're a very nice person, Tim. Just stay out of my life. And I'm keeping the ring.
    Barry: I think that was really good for her.


& Tim: Julie, there's something I need to tell you...
    Barry: Kieran has gonorrhea!
    Kieran: No, I don't.
    Barry: You might.
    Kieran: I don't.
    Barry: Well, she does. She has gonorrhea.
    Tim: What?!
    Barry: Don't sleep with her!
    Tim: She doesn't.
    Barry: Are you sure?
    Tim: Yes.
    Barry: Because you can get it from riding the bus.
    Tim: No, you can't.
    Barry: Yes, you can, Tim. That's how my wife got it.
    Tim: Barry, no one here has gonorrhea.
    Barry: I do. I have gonorrhea. I got gonorrhea from my wife, who got it from a bus seat. And no one should sleep with me.

---

& Kieran: The thing about a goat is, it never denies itself what it's hungry for. A goat will eat anything.
    Barry: A goat could probably eat a bike?
    Kieran: A goat could eat itself, if it was driven to it. I'm just a goat... who's halfway through eating itself.
    Barry: Just to be clear, what exactly are we talking about?
    Kieran: Everything.


& Fender: Are you enjoying this?
    Müeller: Yes. Such a pleasure to laugh at the misfortune of others.


& Barry: ... So dare to dream. Dream your wildest dreams. You can climb the highest mountain. You can drown in a teacup, if you find a big enough teacup. And if somebody tells you that you can't do something, you say, "Yes, I can. 'Cause I'm doing it right now!"


& Caldwell: Therman was telling me about some of his techniques for mind control, and I gotta say, I was pretty blown away.
    Therman: Yes. The brain has pressure points, just like any other muscle. Apply those pressure points, and the brain will obey your every command.


& Therman: Barry. Look into my eyes, Barry. Barry! Where is your wife, Barry?.. Tell us. Where is she?.. Come on, Barry, tell us.
    Barry: Your house?
    Therman: Yes! And, tell us, Barry... why did your wife leave you?.. Spit it out of your mouth.
    Barry: No.
    Therman: Say it!
    Barry: No.
    Therman: Say it, boy!
    Barry: I lost her clitoris.
    Therman: That's right.
    Robin: You lost her clitoris?
    Barry: She got mad because I couldn't find it. Well, you know... I said, "it's probably in your purse," because nine times out of ten when she loses something, that's where they end up.
    Robin: Barry, do you even know what that is?
    Barry: I don't know what half the stuff in her purse is.


& Tim: If it's any consolation, Therman will probably win first prize.
    Barry: He'll have that, too. And he'll be able to lord it over me for the rest of my life.
    Tim: Barry, first prize is the biggest idiot.
    Barry: I know. That guy beats me at everything. He just...


& Barry: I'm going to go lay eggs in his brain.


& Barry: He slept with Martha at my house! I was under the bed the whole time. What an idiot!


& Müeller: This has become a fiasco!
    Barry: Wait a second... the Swedish guy who thinks he's a German! He's an idiot, too! Müeller!


& Müeller: It is my wife's favorite finger! Please get it back now!


& Barry: Julie, I will handle this.
    Barry: Kieran... since the dawn of ancient times, men and women have striven to find the perfect mate. And, once in a while, a couple will meet and spark a passion that is so powerful, a thousand armies could not pull them apart. That is what you have with Julie. But Tim got there first. And if Julie leaves, it will kill him. People can die of broken hearts. I know. It almost happened to me. And because of that... you may see Julie no more. You may talk to Julie no more. You may look upon Julie's face... no more.
    Julie: OK, but we work together, so...
    Barry: What part of "no more" do you not understand?


& Barry: Au revoir, Kieran. Be kind to your birds and your goats!



-- Dict:
reeling — шатающийся


+ on Imdb.



_ Смишно. Местами — даже очень.