& Matt: Before we begin, I just want to ask you to turn off your phone... I say that ’cause I was at a movie recently, and the guy next to me answered his phone during the movie. And he answered it by saying... and I quote... he said, “Who dis?” Which means, not only was he willing to talk to someone; he was willing to talk to anyone. He didn’t care who it “das.” I’m not sure what the past tense of “dis” is, but he did not care who it “das.”
& Matt: I’m gonna tell you a story, and-and it’s true. I always have to tell people that because, inevitably, someone will come up to me, and they’ll be like, “Was that true?” And I’ll be like, “Yeah.” And they’ll be like, “Was it?” I don’t know how to respond to that... Like, I guess I could say it louder, you know, like, “Yeah!!!” They’d be like, “It’s probably true. He said it louder.”
& Frank: You know, marriage is like... Well, you know, it’s like this cake, you know? When you first bite into it, you can’t imagine anything better, and you eat, and you eat, and then maybe you’ve had enough cake.
Matt: My mom seems to drive my father insane. She always wants to add one more thing...
Linda: Ooh, and one more thing...
Matt: ...but it’s rarely anything that deserves to be one more thing.
Linda: ...I got the cake on the internet.
& Matt: ...And Uncle Max is so subtle with that whole, “You’re next,” thing. It’s just like, these people just have no lives, you know? I mean, you don’t want to get married, right?
Abby: ..... Are you asking?
Matt: No, I... I...
Abby: Then, no, I guess.
& Matt: I think falling in love for the first time is such a transcendent feeling. You know, it’s like eating pizza-flavored ice cream. Your brain can’t even process that level of joy.
& Matt: I really feel like our whole lives, no matter how low our self-esteem gets, some part of us that thinks, “I have a secret special skill that no one knows about.” And eventually, we meet someone who’s like, “You have a secret special skill.” And you’re like, “I know. So do you. Let’s eat pizza-flavored ice cream together.” And that’s love. It’s a mountain of pizza-flavored ice cream. And delusion.
& Matt: Sorry about that. Just had a weird dream.
Buddy-Comedian: Yeah, well, you know, you’re not supposed to actually act them out like that. They’re like movies, you know? You just sort of watch ’em.
& Matt: I just have this fear that marriage might be like school. You know how when you’re real little and you think, “Maybe some day I’ll get to go to school...” And then you go to school, and that first week, you’re just like, “How much longer do I have to go to school?” And they’re like, “17 more years.” And you’re like, “Oh, no!”
& Matt: My parents have been together 40 years, which is... Yeah, no, but it’s too long. I think if the people who invented marriage knew that people were gonna be married 40 years, they’d be like, “Well, this isn’t what we intended at all.” You know, back then, people only lived to be 40, if they were lucky. They’d be so confused. They’d be like, “When were they married, as babies? I don’t approve of babies marrying one another.” Like, you ever think about that?
& Dr. Dement: We sleep more than 200,000 hours during a lifetime. That’s the equivalent of 8,000 days.
& Matt: What’s painful about jumping out a second-story window isn’t actually the jumping part. It’s when they start to pick the glass out of your legs.
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On the IMDb
& Matt: I’m gonna tell you a story, and-and it’s true. I always have to tell people that because, inevitably, someone will come up to me, and they’ll be like, “Was that true?” And I’ll be like, “Yeah.” And they’ll be like, “Was it?” I don’t know how to respond to that... Like, I guess I could say it louder, you know, like, “Yeah!!!” They’d be like, “It’s probably true. He said it louder.”
& Frank: You know, marriage is like... Well, you know, it’s like this cake, you know? When you first bite into it, you can’t imagine anything better, and you eat, and you eat, and then maybe you’ve had enough cake.
Matt: My mom seems to drive my father insane. She always wants to add one more thing...
Linda: Ooh, and one more thing...
Matt: ...but it’s rarely anything that deserves to be one more thing.
Linda: ...I got the cake on the internet.
& Matt: ...And Uncle Max is so subtle with that whole, “You’re next,” thing. It’s just like, these people just have no lives, you know? I mean, you don’t want to get married, right?
Abby: ..... Are you asking?
Matt: No, I... I...
Abby: Then, no, I guess.
& Matt: I think falling in love for the first time is such a transcendent feeling. You know, it’s like eating pizza-flavored ice cream. Your brain can’t even process that level of joy.
& Matt: I really feel like our whole lives, no matter how low our self-esteem gets, some part of us that thinks, “I have a secret special skill that no one knows about.” And eventually, we meet someone who’s like, “You have a secret special skill.” And you’re like, “I know. So do you. Let’s eat pizza-flavored ice cream together.” And that’s love. It’s a mountain of pizza-flavored ice cream. And delusion.
& Matt: Sorry about that. Just had a weird dream.
Buddy-Comedian: Yeah, well, you know, you’re not supposed to actually act them out like that. They’re like movies, you know? You just sort of watch ’em.
& Matt: I just have this fear that marriage might be like school. You know how when you’re real little and you think, “Maybe some day I’ll get to go to school...” And then you go to school, and that first week, you’re just like, “How much longer do I have to go to school?” And they’re like, “17 more years.” And you’re like, “Oh, no!”
& Matt: My parents have been together 40 years, which is... Yeah, no, but it’s too long. I think if the people who invented marriage knew that people were gonna be married 40 years, they’d be like, “Well, this isn’t what we intended at all.” You know, back then, people only lived to be 40, if they were lucky. They’d be so confused. They’d be like, “When were they married, as babies? I don’t approve of babies marrying one another.” Like, you ever think about that?
& Dr. Dement: We sleep more than 200,000 hours during a lifetime. That’s the equivalent of 8,000 days.
& Matt: What’s painful about jumping out a second-story window isn’t actually the jumping part. It’s when they start to pick the glass out of your legs.
--
On the IMDb
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