If My Hole Could Talk

Two and a Half Men 5×18

& Alan: Jake, please tell me you read the book.
    Jake: I really wish I could, Dad. I was gonna read it, but I can’t find it.
    Alan: You lost the book? What do you intend to do about the report?
    Jake: You mean aside from the earthquake?
    Alan: Yeah.
    Jake: Well, I kind of put all my eggs in the earthquake basket...

& Charlie: I bet you’re sorry you took all that LSD before you had him.
    Alan: I never took any LSD.
    Charlie: You might wanna start telling people you did.

& Alan: Unbelievable. You had four weeks to write this book report!
    Jake: Get over it, Dad.
    Charlie: Yeah, Alan. Relax. He’ll have eight weeks of summer school to do it.
    Jake: Unless there’s an earthquake.

& Alan: How could you have already lost the book?!
    Jake: I didn’t do it on purpose. What are you yelling at me for?
    Alan: Because it’s one of the few pleasures of being your father.

---

& Alan: Hey!
    Jake: What?
    Alan: You’re supposed to be finishing your report.
    Jake: I know, but I can’t find the book.
    Alan: You’re kidding. We just bought it.
    Jake: What can I say, Dad? It’s a big house and a little book.

& Alan: I only wish more people appreciated us...
    Angie: You can’t worry about what people think.
    Alan: I know, but the lack of respect really hurts, you know. Back-cracker, spine-cruncher, quack, charlatan, witch doctor...
    Angie: Alan.
    Alan: ...voodoo priest, fraud, failure.
    Angie: Hey, hey. Know what we call people who say those things?
    Alan: My family?
    Angie: We call them damaged. They need to hurt others to feel better about themselves.
    Alan: Exactly, the reason I don’t feel better about myself... is I’m not good enough at hurting them back.

& Jake: Are there any game arcades in Santa Barbara?
    Alan: You won’t have time. You have a book to read.
    Jake: Oh, yeah. I forgot it [at home].

--
+ quotes on the IMDb