Two and a Half Men 4x22

Mr. McGlue's Feedbag

& Berta: Oh, no. Charlie’s blackout chili.
    Jake: It’s delicious.
    Berta: No argument there.
    Jake: Why is it called blackout chili?
    Berta: Well, sweetheart... sometimes when people drink, they do things they wouldn’t normally do. Me, I like to walk into a biker bar... and take a swing at the biggest chick there. Your uncle Charlie, on the other hand, makes chili.

& Jake: But what’s the blackout part?
    Charlie: Oh, jeez, Jake. How many times have I told you not to crap up my kitchen?
    Jake: But I’m not the one who... oh.

& Charlie: When’s it due?
    Jake: Monday.
    Charlie: Okay. Today’s Saturday?
    Jake: Yeah.
    Charlie: We got plenty of time.
    Jake: Yeah, but my dad always says if I do my work early... I have the weekend to have fun.
    Charlie: That makes no sense whatsoever.
    Jake: That’s what I said.

& Jake: Are we gonna gamble?
    Charlie: No, suckers gamble. We’re gonna analyze statistics with proven scientific principles... and make wagers based on the resulting data.
    Jake: I think I’d rather watch TV.
    Charlie: Come on. Come on.

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& Jake: How much can I bet?
    Charlie: How much did you bring?
    Jake: I have to use my own money?
    Charlie: Boy, you really are your father’s son, aren’t you?

& Charlie: Now listen and learn. In any financial transaction, there is one question both parties ask themselves.
    Jake: We’re going to a party?
    Charlie: Will you shut up and listen?
    Jake: I thought we were going to the track.
    Charlie: I swear to God, I will throw you out of this car.

& Charlie: The question is, what leverage do I have in this transaction? And the answer for you is none.
    Jake: What’s leverage?
    Charlie: Oh, boy. All right, a lever is how you move things. Leverage is how you move people.

& Alan: You don’t understand. Money gives him choices and freedom.
    Charlie: Yeah, so?
    Alan: I don’t have choices and freedom... why should he?

& Charlie: Look, Jake, sooner or later, every guy gets hustled.
    Jake: Even you?
    Charlie: Even me. I remember when I wasn’t much older than you... I spent 100 bucks on a bag of oregano.
    Jake: Oregano?
    Alan: Your uncle was making spaghetti sauce!
    Charlie: Yeah, in a parked car... before I went to the Pink Floyd Laserium show.
    Alan: Thank you.

& Charlie: The important thing is you learn something that will serve you for the rest of your life.
    Jake: What’s that?
    Charlie: Always buy motorbikes and oregano... from authorized dealers.
    Alan: No. No. That is not the lesson.
    Jake: A fool and his money are soon parted?
    Alan: No.
    Jake: Don’t run with scissors?
    Charlie: Do you mind?
    Alan: Go ahead.
    Charlie: I’m down to “don’t eat the yellow snow.”
    Jake: That’s not it, is it?

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+ quotes on the Imdb.