Smooth as a Ken Doll
Alan: Not an alimony check. This is my final alimony check. Isn’t it beautiful?
& Charlie: Oh, right, Judith is getting married this weekend.
Alan: Exactly. And you know what that means.
Charlie: You can finally kick in a few bucks around here?
Alan: Good one. No. It means Alan gets new underwear.
& Alan: Is this a bad time?
Melnick: The Spanish Inquisition was a bad time. This is hell.
& Alan: So, you know, I read an interesting story the other day. Married men live, on average, 10 years longer than single men.
Melnick: What if they don’t want to?
& Melnick: Myra, this is Judith’s first husband Alan.
Myra: Hi. So how does this work? Do you get your original testicles back... or does my brother give you his?
& Myra: Maybe you can clear something up for me. Herb says you’re a successful jingle writer. But Judith says you are a drunken, talentless hack... who passed out and fell into a pit of money.
Charlie: So, what do you need cleared up?
& Charlie: So, Myra... what do you do?
Myra: I teach high school economics.
Charlie: Huh.
Myra: It may sound like a boring life, but at night... I dress up like a giant spider and fight crime.
Charlie: Interesting. Now, did you decide spider and have the costume made... or find the costume and say, “okay, spider”?
& Jake: I think they like each other.
Alan: Sure, they like each other.
Jake: No, I mean they “like” like each other.
Alan: Oh, no, Jake. Your Uncle Charlie only “like” likes a certain type of woman.
Jake: Mom calls them tramps.
Alan: Well... That’s as good a word as any.
& Alan: Okay, Judith, that’s insane. Charlie would not do Myra just to piss you off... I don’t think... How would I know what he sees in her?
Berta: She got working girl-parts?
& Charlie: Come on, Myra, I drove all the way to Judith’s house to see you! And you know what’s at Judith’s house? Judith.
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+ quotes on the Imdb.
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