Two and a Half Men 4x20

Aunt Myra Doesn’t Pee a Lot

& Alan: I don’t care how it happened. I only care how it’s gonna end. And it’s gonna end badly for me.
    Charlie: How? Explain how.
    Alan: I don’t know yet. That’s always part of the fun. Trying to guess how your penis is gonna bite me in the ass.

& Charlie: Alan, you gotta believe me here. This is different. I really like Myra.
    Alan: Oh, you like all of them. And then you don’t.

& Alan: Hey, listen, we haven’t really talked about what all this means.
    Jake: What “what” means?
    Alan: Well, the big changes that are happening.
    Jake: It’s just a couple of hairs, Dad. It’s not that big a deal.
    Alan: ...... Not those changes.

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& Berta: Here’s your suit.
    Charlie: Thanks, Berta.
    Berta: The dry cleaners found $46 and a condom in the breast pocket. Here’s the condom.
    Charlie: ... Again, thanks.
    Berta: Can I give you some free advice?
    Charlie: Free? I’m already down $46.

& Berta: What is it you say about going to a wedding with a woman you’re sleeping with?
    Charlie: This is different.
    Berta: You say, and I quote, “Better I should light myself on fire... and run through a meth lab.”
    Charlie: Oh, well, that’s just a figure of speech.

& Charlie: You don’t know what you’re talking about... because this relationship is not based on sex.
    Berta: Not based on sex? Well, unless she sweats bourbon and farts hundred-dollar bills... what exactly is gonna keep you together?

& Alan: Did you get Myra to the airport?
    Charlie: Yep. And you know what?.. I’ll never see her again. I was just a meaningless fling to that girl. Huh. I’ll bet this is that whole karma thing people talk about.

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+ quotes on the Imdb.