Two and a Half Men 4x18

It Never Rains in Hooterville

& Charlie: Hey, what’s your hurry? If she becomes a big TV star while you’re married, she’ll have to pay you alimony.
    Alan: Yeah, and if pigs start flying out of my rear end... we’ll have free bacon for the rest of our lives.
    Jake: I don’t know that I’d eat that bacon...

& Alan: What happened to your Harry Potter posters?
    Jake: I’m not a kid anymore, Dad.

& Charlie: Are those nails in my wall?! Are you out of your freaking mind?!!
    Jake: No.
    Charlie: No? That’s your answer? No?
    Jake: ...Yeah.

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& Jake: Dad?
    Alan: Yeah, buddy?
    Jake: Bite me.

& Alan: I can’t help but feel a little empty inside. Like a chapter of my life is over.
    Charlie: So? You’ve still got plenty to look forward to.
    Alan: You mean, besides work, loneliness and death?
    Charlie: Absolutely. There’s memory loss... Impotence... Adult diapers... I’m all you’ve got, pal.

& Alan: Sweetie, do you remember why we split up?
    Kandy: The big reason or all the little reasons?
    Alan: The big one.
    Kandy: Because there were a lot of little reasons.

& Jake: Hello, ladies, I’m Harry Potter.

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+ quotes on the Imdb.