The Stock Tip

Seinfeld 1×5

& Jerry: Never liked the «check at the end of the meal» system. Money’s a different thing before you eat. Before you eat, money has no value. You don’t care when you’re hungry. You sit down in a restaurant, you’re the ruler of an empire. «More drinks! Appetizers! Quickly, quickly. It will be the greatest meal of our lives...» Then after the meal, you know, you got the pants open... you got the napkins destroyed... cigarette butt in the mashed potatoes. Then the check comes at that moment. People are always upset, you know? They’re mystified by the check. «What is this? How could this be?» They start passing it around the table, «Does this look right to you? We’re not hungry now. Why are we buying all this food?»

& George: I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humour.
    Jerry: I never heard him say anything funny.
    George: It’s common sense. He’s got super strength, super speed. I’m sure he’s got super humour.

& Vanessa: So you want to move our relationship into phase two...
    Jerry: Exactly. I love phase two. Extra toothbrushes, increased phone call frequency... walking around naked... You know, the presents get a lot better in phase two.

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& Jerry: Well, this is it. I’m selling.
    George: Just give it a little more time.
    Jerry: I never should’ve gotten involved with this, I’m a nervous wreck... I’m not cut out for investing.

& Jerry: See, the whole problem with dry-cleaning... is that we all believe that this is actually possible. Right? They’re cleaning our clothes... but they’re not getting anything wet. It’s all dry. I know there’s gotta be some liquids back there, some fluids they’re using. There’s no such thing as dry-cleaning. When you get something on your shirt, ever try and get it off like that? That’s dry-cleaning. I don’t think that’s what they’re doing, have 80 guys going: «Come on. Hurry up. There’s a lot of shirts today.»

& Jerry: Well, what are you gonna do about the stock?
    George: I’m keeping it. I’m going down with the ship.

& Vanessa: I told you not to sell.
    Jerry: You did not tell me not to sell!
    Vanessa: I said the market fluctuates. Remember?
    Jerry: Look, Vanessa... of course the market fluctuates. Everybody knows that. I just got fluctuated out of $4000.

& Jerry: I’m not an investor. People always say, «You should have your money working for you.» I’ve decided I’ll do the work... I’m gonna let the money relax. Know what I mean? Because you send your money out there... working for you, a lot of times it gets fired. You go back, «What happened? I had my money working for me.» «Yeah, I remember your money. Showing up late, taking time off. We had to let him go.»

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+ quotes on the IMDb