Two and a Half Men 3x20

Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro

& Alan: Things were going so well... I had a young, hot girlfriend who fulfilled all my sexual desires.
    Charlie: How many desires are we talking about?
    Alan: Just the one. You know... for sex.

& Jake: Hey, Dad. Mom, Dad’s here!
    Alan: No, don’t, don’t bother your mom! Is Kandi around?
    Jake: Yeah, she lives here now.
    Alan: I know.
    Jake: Does this mean she and Mom are gay?
    Alan: No, it does not.
    Jake: Too bad.
    Alan: Why?
    Jake: Be a lot easier to explain.
    Alan: Could you just tell Kandi I’m here?
    Jake: Okay. Kandi, my dad’s here!

---

& Alan: Did you get all that, Berta?
    Berta: I think so, but let’s do a quick recap. Your girlfriend’s living with your ex-wife. Your ex-wife’s dating your girlfriend’s father. To top it off, you’re trying to get useful intelligence... from a kid who’s got precious little to spare.
    Alan: Okay, just checking.

& Alan: Hey, hey, wait a minute, that’s my tie! You ruined my tie.
    Charlie: Oh, yeah. You’re not gonna be happy about your electric toothbrush either.

& Mandi: Kandi’s told me so many nice things about you.
    Berta: How do you know Kandi?
    Mandi: She’s my daughter.
    Berta: Your daughter? Sweet whistling Geronimo. You people are like a box of hamsters, just crawling all over each other.
    Charlie: Yes, yes. We all get how this looks, Berta.
    Berta: Hey, I’m not knocking it. I’m just wondering when some of that gravy’s gonna spill over on my taters.

--
+ quotes on the Imdb.