Two and a Half Men 3x19

Golly Moses, She’s a Muffin

& Berta: Just out of curiosity, when you leave here, where is it you go?
    Kandi: To the gym. I have to take care of my body because it’s my instrument.
    Berta: Mine too. Three beers and a bratwurst and my ass turns into a French horn.
    Kandi: Really? Whenever I have beer and bratwurst I just fart a lot.

& Alan: Oh, hi, Charlie. What’re you doing here?
    Charlie: I was asking myself the same thing... so I did a little research and it turns out it’s my house.

& Kandi: You want some company, Charlie? Alan can’t have sex again for at least 30 minutes.
    Alan: That’s... a rough estimate.
    Charlie: Thanks, but I’d really rather be alone.
    Kandi: Okey-doke. Come on, I think he wants to masturbate.
    Charlie: ... Not for at least 30 minutes.

& Kandi: Boy, this is weird, huh?
    Charlie: In so many ways. But which one caught your attention?
    Kandi: Well, I’ve never slept with brothers before. I mean at different times. And one can’t help but make comparisons. No kidding.
    Charlie: So how big a difference are we talking about?
    Kandi: It’s huge.
    Charlie: Really?
    Kandi: Oh, yeah. With you, sex is kind of like going on Space Mountain. It’s a good ride, but there’s never any real danger. With Alan, it’s like being in the back seat of a car... driven by a really smart kangaroo. He may go up on the curb a couple times, but he’ll get you there.
    Charlie: Okay. Thanks for clearing that up.

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& Judith: Kandi, maybe you’d like to go put some clothes on.
    Kandi: Why?
    Berta: Yeah, she ain’t hurting anybody.
    Judith: I just don’t think that outfit is appropriate for Jake.
    Kandi: Oh, I agree. He would look ridiculous in this.

& Judith: What in God’s name does she see in him?
    Charlie: Well, I don’t have all the details, Mrs. Harper. But apparently when he’s not being emasculated... and demoralized on a daily basis, he’s quite the lover.
    Judith: What’s that supposed to mean?
    Charlie: You know what they say. Your average man’s like a good field mule. If you don’t beat him, he’ll keep plowing all day long.
    Judith: Nobody says that.
    Charlie: You’re hard to fool.

& Charlie: Look, I don’t mean to be rude, but I’m tired of talking to you.

& Kandi: I like her.
    Alan: Why?
    Kandi: Why? Well, unlike most ex-wives I’ve known... she’s never tried to run me over with her car.
    Alan: Okay, new dinner conversation. Jake, how was school?
    Jake: I don’t think this conversation’ll make you any happier, Dad.
    Alan: What now?
    Jake: We had a surprise test today.
    Alan: And?..
    Jake: I was really surprised.
    Alan: So, in other words, you weren’t prepared.
    Jake: You can’t prepare for a surprise, Dad.
    Charlie: New conversation?

& Charlie: So, how was work?
    Kandi: Horrible. All he did was boss me around: “Do this, do that, wake up.”
    Alan: Maybe that’s because I’m your boss.
    Kandi: A stupid, stinky boss.

& Alan: What are you doing up so late?
    Charlie: What time is it?
    Alan: It’s 3 a.m.
    Charlie: Oh, well then, I got my eight hours.

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