Heavy Competition

The Office 5×22

Pam Beesly: Turns out there's no limit to the number of cheese puffs you can throw at someone's face... We're getting pretty good at it.

Jim Halpert: Andy put down a bunch of deposits on stuff for his wedding with Angela, but then she was sleeping with Dwight for... ... Anyway, now we are going bargain hunting in the haunted graveyard of their love.

Phyllis Lapin: What's wrong with you?
Dwight Schrute: These sleeves are cutting off my circulation. There's not enough blood getting to my hands.
Phyllis Lapin: I think you look nice.
Dwight Schrute: Doesn't Charles know he's compromising my attack readiness? It's not a dress code. It's a death sentence...
Charles Miner: Looking good.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, thank you. ... It's a straightjacket!

Dwight Schrute: When Michael was in charge, this place was like the Roman Empire. And the Wild West. And war-torn Poland. And Poland. There was just a lot going on. So what you wore to work was the least of anybody's worries. And in that chaos, I soared.

Dwight Schrute: Thanks, Michael, we... What is this?
Michael Scott: It's for your trouble.
Dwight Schrute: I don't need $6 to help a friend.
Michael Scott: No, no, listen, as a friend, I want you to have it.
Dwight Schrute: You know I can't take this.
Michael Scott: Yes, I do.
Dwight Schrute: But don't forget, you owe me $10.
Michael Scott: That was four years ago. Why don't you let it go?

Andy Bernard: It scares me to see you going down a road that I went down.
Jim Halpert: Am I going down a road?
Andy Bernard: When I see her bossing you around like that, it just makes me wonder if this thing really has the legs to go the distance.
Jim Halpert: It's so scary how right the things you're saying are. And you're coming at it with almost no knowledge, so of course I trust your opinion on this.
Andy Bernard: I know a few things about love. Horrible, terrible, awful, awful things.

Charles Miner: Michael, I want you to stop pestering my salesman and I want you to leave Dunder Mifflin alone. Do you understand?
Michael Scott: I understand nothing.

Michael Scott: It was a setup!
Pam Beesly: Tell us what you're talking about.
Michael Scott: It's like a girl says she'll make out with you, but then her boyfriend is waiting around the corner with a pee-filled balloon.
Pam Beesly: We can't help you if you don't just tell us what happened.
Michael Scott: I got hit in the face with a pee-filled water balloon, Pam, okay? I don't know how they did it. They filled the balloon with pee. A funnel? I don't know! Is that clear enough for you?

Michael Scott: I color-code all my info. I wrote "gay son" in green. Green means go, so I know to go ahead and shut up about it. Orange means, "Orange you glad you didn't bring it up?" Most colors mean, "Don't say it."
Dwight Schrute: How is Tom, the homosexual sophomore?

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+ Quotes on the IMDb