Another Night with Neil Diamond

Two and a Half Men 10×21

& Walden: I do envy what you guys have. You guys are like termites.
    Lindsay: Termites?
    Walden: Yeah, they mate for life... and once they live in your house you can never get rid of them.

& Lindsay: This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. And I pushed a baby out of my vagina.

& Walden: Why do people have to break up?
    Berta: Well, in my experience, either the magic wears off or the mushrooms.

& Alan: Good morning. Beautiful day.
    Walden: To stick your head in an oven?

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& Alan: What else?
    Berta: Okay, you have pretty good toilet aim. And that’s important to a housekeeper.
    Alan: My secret is I sit down.
    Berta: And that should’ve stayed a secret.

& Alan: If I’m such a great guy, then why did Lyndsey leave me?
    Berta: There’s no telling with chicks. But don’t worry, you’ll find somebody else.
    Alan: As good as Lyndsey?
    Berta: Look at you, already making jokes. ...
    Walden: How’d it go?
    Berta: He’s gonna die alone. And he pees sitting down.

& Walden: I’m happy you’re feeling better.
    Alan: Oh, yeah. Let me tell you, revenge sex is way better than revenge masturbation. Of course, there’s no reason you can’t do both.

& Walden: Oh, God, why am I eating on this table?!

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