Pinocchio's Mouth

Two and a Half Men 6×8

& Alan: So what do you want to do this weekend?
    Jake: Doesn’t matter, just as long you and I are together.
    Alan: What did you do?
    Jake: I didn’t do anything! Why would you even ask me that?
    Berta: I’m guessing he either robbed a liquor store or killed a drifter.
    Alan: Do I need to call your mother and ask her?
    Jake: If you want to, but you know how she pushes your buttons.
    Alan: I’ll take that chance.
    Jake: Fine, I don’t care... All right, all right! I got thrown off the school bus.

& Jake: Mom grounded me for two weeks.
    Alan: Why didn’t your mother tell me about this?
    Jake: I promised I’d tell you... What can I say? She believed me.

& Jake: So how about a movie? A little father-son bonding.
    Alan: No, no. No movies.
    Jake: Skating?
    Alan: No skating.
    Jake: Fine.
    Alan: Also no TV, no video games, no cell phones, and no iPods... nothing that gives you any amusement or enjoyment.
    Jake: Couldn’t you just smack me with a belt and get it over with?

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& Jake: I’m bored.

& Charlie: This girl, I care about. We’ve been seeing each other for almost a month.
    Alan: And yet you just found out where she lives.
    Charlie: There’s a difference between caring and stalking, Alan.

& Jake: Hey, Dad, I need my laptop.
    Alan: What for?
    Jake: Homework.
    Alan: What homework?
    Jake: Um... Damn, you’re good.

& Charlie: It’s like trying to sleep in the freaking jungle.

& Charlie: She’s got one of those wooden toilet seats. It would’ve been like sitting on Pinocchio’s mouth.
    Alan: You ever wonder about people who can poop in a gas station?
    Charlie: What is wrong with them?
    Alan: What about Porta-Potties?
    Charlie: Those aren’t people. Those are animals.

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