He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited

Two and a Half Men 6×10

& Alan: Jake. You’re hardly touching your salad.
    Jake: I promised Berta I’d cut down on the roughage.

& Alan: Just relax.
    Charlie: “Just relax”? We’ll be lucky to leave here with all of our limbs and gonads!
    Jake: What’s a gonad?
    Charlie: You are.
    Jake: So it’s bad.
    Alan: You’re not a gonad.
    Charlie: Says the other gonad.

& Alan: So what about your financial plan?
    Evelyn: Yes well, one thing I’ve done is to set aside enough money to ensure that my grandson will get a college education.
    Charlie: ............... You’re gonna buy a college?

& Evelyn: I have set up a trust fund.
    Alan: Oh Mom, Mom, that is uh, that is very generous, but, uh I actually started a college fund for Jake when he was born.
    Evelyn: Really? How much you have in there now?
    Alan: Did you hear?! Grandma’s sending you to college!
    Jake: Now? I haven’t finished my soup.

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& Charlie: Alan?
    Alan: Yeah?
    Charlie: You having a stroke?
    Alan: No, I’m just, I’m just trying to figure out why I need to go to work today. I mean, Mom’s taking care of Jake’s education, buying him a car. Why should I bust my hump?
    Charlie: For your self-respect?
    Alan: Nah, Judith got that in the divorce.
    Charlie: ’Cause you like to heal people’s back pain with your chiropractic magic?
    Alan: ......
    Charlie: Okay, well you’ve got to go somewhere.
    Alan: Why?
    Charlie: ’Cause you’re creeping me out.

& Berta: Something’s wrong with your brother.
    Charlie: We don’t say the word “wrong.” We say “special.”

& Evelyn: Look, Jake, I understand that you’re excited about getting a car, but keep in mind the car is predicated on you getting into college.
    Jake: Right. What’s “predicated” mean?
    Evelyn: No college, no car.
    Jake: What if I flunk out? Do I have to give the car back?
    Evelyn: Oh sweetheart, what makes you think you’d flunk out?
    Jake: Well, history. Right now there’s a 60/60 chance I’m gonna have to repeat eighth grade.
    Evelyn: 60/60, huh?
    Jake: At least. It could be 70/40.
    Evelyn: Well, we can rule out the Ivy League.
    Jake: Is that good?
    Evelyn: For the Ivy League.

& Evelyn: You know dear, maybe we’re going about this the wrong way. College should be about pursuing the things you love. What do you love?
    Jake: TV, video games, sleeping. I love sleeping so much sometimes I actually dream about it.

& Jake: Bon appetite.
    Evelyn: Teet.
    Jake: No, that’s a cow’s boob.

& Alan: I’m not gonna make it, Charlie.
    Charlie: Didn’t think you would.
    Alan: No goals, no challenges, no, no gut-wrenching fear driving me forward. I mean, how can you stand it?
    Charlie: Me? Well, I have kind of an existential philosophy that shapes my outlook. It involves a willingness to let life carry me along in its wake as I contemplate its infinite mystery. Plus I drink and take a lot of naps.

& Alan: I need something meaningful to strive for.
    Charlie: Sorry, I don’t follow.
    Alan: I need a carrot in front of me and a stick behind me. Without that, I... I have no reason to live.

& Charlie: Hey Alan, I got an idea that might cheer you up.
    Alan: I’m listening.
    Charlie: You need a carrot and a stick to make your life meaningful? How about this? Every month I let you give me a small amount of money in exchange for the pleasure of living in my house. We’ll call it... rent.
    Alan: Wow, it’s been a long time since I paid rent.
    Charlie: Five years, two months, 11 days.
    Alan: Interesting. It would certainly give me a reason to go back to work.
    Charlie: Right. That’s the carrot. And if you fall behind, I get to hit you with a stick.

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