The Balmoral Test

The Crown 4×2

Margaret Thatcher: The way those men patronize me, lecture me. Those squires and grandees… Upper-class bastards. And their ideas, their solutions to the problems this country faces, so unimaginative, and cautious, and… wet.

Margaret Thatcher: My father used to give a sermon. "God needs no faint hearts for his ambassadors." They are faint hearts. And I should have kicked them out when I had the chance.

Denis Thatcher: I had a call from Malcolm Muggeridge this morning, who said, "Watch out for the tests." "Oh, which tests?" said I. "The infamous Balmoral tests," said he. Apparently, the royal family routinely subject all their guests to secret tests, to find out whether someone is acceptable or not acceptable. U or non-U, part of the gang or not part of the gang. Apparently, it's ruthless, a blood sport in itself.

Margaret Thatcher: Unpacking your bag? What was she thinking? That's a wife's job. And two bedrooms.
Denis Thatcher: I know. It's all very odd. Are we allowed to sleep in one bed? I shall go and check with the protocol sheet.

Margaret Thatcher: What do you think 6:00 p.m. is? Drinks or dinner?
Denis Thatcher: Oh, who knows?
Margaret Thatcher: What do I wear?
Denis Thatcher: What the heck? Who cares?
Margaret Thatcher: Well, I care. Every house has rules, and places like this are all about what you wear and when.

Margaret Thatcher: On the plane, you said there were tests.
Denis Thatcher: Oh. So you did hear what I said.
Margaret Thatcher: Of course I heard what you said. I don't need to look at you to show you I'm listening to what you're saying.
Denis Thatcher: Well, it might be nice.
Margaret Thatcher: I don't have the time to be nice.

Denis Thatcher: All right, then. Why don't I go and sleep in the other room?
Margaret Thatcher: Don't you dare! We don't want to catch any upper-class habits. Those that sleep apart grow apart.
Denis Thatcher: It's just for one night.
Margaret Thatcher: And that's precisely how bad habits start.

Queen Elizabeth II: It was how I spent some happy times with my father, King George. He taught me everything.
Margaret Thatcher: My father taught me a great deal too.
Queen Elizabeth II: What did you do together?
Margaret Thatcher: We worked. Work was our play. I worked with him in our shop. As an alderman, he took me everywhere. I watched as he wrote his speeches and listened as he rehearsed and delivered them. It was my political baptism.
Queen Elizabeth II: How lovely for you both...
Margaret Thatcher: Yes.

Princess Margaret: Aren't you supposed to be out there stalking?
Margaret Thatcher: Yes, I was, but your sister...
Princess Margaret: No, you don't call her that. You call her "the Queen." She's the Queen, not my sister. And that chair, no one sits in that chair.
Margaret Thatcher: Oh, I beg your pardon.
Princess Margaret: God, don't say that either. Say "What?" Begging for anything is desperate. Begging for pardon is common. That chair… no one sits in that chair. It's Queen Victoria's chair.
Margaret Thatcher: Oh.
Princess Margaret: And you do realize this is supposed to be a bank holiday?
Margaret Thatcher: Yes, although it is hard to have a holiday when the country is in its current state.
Princess Margaret: Mm. The country has been in a state before. It will doubtless be in a state again. One learns, when one has the benefit of experience, that sometimes time off is the most sensible course of action.
Margaret Thatcher: Hm. Well, I'm not best suited to time off. It gives me no pleasure.
Princess Margaret: It might give you something more important than that. Perspective.

Margaret Thatcher: What am I doing here? Miles from Westminster, miles from reality, wasting precious time in some…
Denis Thatcher: Half-Scottish, half-Germanic cuckoo-land?
Margaret Thatcher: Yes.

Camilla Shand: Talk to me.
Prince Charles: She's a triumph. In the history of Balmoral, no one has ever passed the test with such flying colors.
Camilla Shand: Well, well, well.
Prince Charles: Rave reviews from the whole ghastly politburo. Anne, Papa, Margot, Mummy, Granny.

Queen Elizabeth II: You have a brand-new cabinet...
Margaret Thatcher: I have.
Queen Elizabeth II: Mostly older ministers that were culled.
Margaret Thatcher: Yes, although it wasn't just their age that decided it.
Queen Elizabeth II: Rather?
Margaret Thatcher: Their background, mostly. And lack of grit, as a consequence of their privilege and entitlement.
Queen Elizabeth II: Always a mistake to assume just because people are privileged, they lack grit. And a dangerous game, I think, to make enemies left, right, and center.
Margaret Thatcher: Not if one is comfortable with having enemies.
Queen Elizabeth II: Are you?
Margaret Thatcher: Oh yes. Inspired by the words of the Chartist poet Charles Mackay.
    "You have no enemies, you say?:
     Alas! My friend, the boast is poor.
     He, who has mingled in the fray
     Of duty, that the brave endure,
     Must have made foes! If you have none,
     Small is the work that you have done.

     You've hit no traitor on the hip,
     You've dashed no cup from perjured lip,
     You've never turned the wrong to right,
     You've been a coward in the fight."

Princess Anne: What does you-know-who say?
Prince Charles: Depressingly, she's all for it.
Princess Anne: Of course she is. Everyone's all for it because everyone understands it's time to finally close this chapter. To put the whole Parker Bowles soap opera behind us. All of us. For good.

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