Jay Marotta: Listen, if we start from a place of reasonable, and they start from a place of crazy, when we settle, we'll be somewhere between reasonable and crazy. Which is still crazy.
Ted: Half of crazy is crazy.
Ted: Criminal lawyers see bad people at their best, divorce lawyers see good people at their worst.
Bert Spitz: Getting divorced with a kid is one of the hardest things to do. It's like a death without a body.
Bert Spitz: You know, this can be a really ugly process. But I also believe it doesn't have to be terrible.
Charlie: I'm glad to hear you say that.
Bert Spitz: I want you to know that eventually this will all be over and whatever we win or lose..it will be the two of you having to figure this out together
Bert Spitz: And keep in mind, you'll have to pay for her lawyer. It doesn't make sense, does it? I mean, you're doing this because you love your kid. And in doing so, you're draining money from your kid's education.
Charlie: It seems ridiculous.
Bert Spitz: Oh, it is. It is, boy.
Jay Marotta: Nora, I like how you refer to Charlie's theater as a ramshackle downtown dump when you're arguing custody, but when you want more money, he's a big, rich, genius Broadway director. You can't have it both ways.
Nora Fanshaw: Oh, really? Why not?
Charlie: You want to present yourself as a victim because it's a good legal strategy? Fine, but you and I both know you chose this life! You wanted it until you didn't! You used me so you could get out of LA.
Nicole: I didn't use you.
Charlie: You did, and then you blamed me for it!
Nora Fanshaw: I'm going to stop you there. When you do this for real, don't ever say that. People don't accept mothers who drink too much wine and yell at their child and call him an asshole. I get it. I do it too. We can accept an imperfect dad. Let's face it, the idea of a good father was only invented like 30 years ago. Before that, fathers were expected to be silent and absent and unreliable and selfish, and can all say we want them to be different. But on some basic level, we accept them. We love them for their fallibilities, but people absolutely don't accept those same failings in mothers. We don't accept it structurally and we don't accept it spiritually. Because the basis of our Judeo-Christian whatever is Mary, Mother of Jesus, and she's perfect. She's a virgin who gives birth, unwaveringly supports her child and holds his dead body when he's gone. And the dad isn't there. He didn't even do the fucking. God is in heaven. God is the father and God didn't show up. So, you have to be perfect, and Charlie can be a fuck up and it doesn't matter. You will always be held to a different, higher standard. And it's fucked up, but that's the way it is.
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++ Quotes on the IMDb
+ Soundtracks
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