Two and a Half Men 9×22
Nurse: Just check the box “Domestic Partner.”
Walden: Oh, no, we’re just buddies.
Nurse: We got no buddy forms.
Walden: Yeah, but...
Nurse: Just check the damn box!
& Alan: Hi, Walden.
Walden: How ya feelin’?
Alan: Fan-tastic. I’m on a morphine drip. Everyone should have a morphine drip. There would be no more war.
& Jake: So, are those tubes putting stuff in or taking stuff out?
Walden: I think a little bit of both.
Jake: Oh, I get it. It’s like eating on the toilet.
& Judith: So, what did the doctor say?
Walden: Uh, he just said he needs to take it easy. You know, no stress.
Jake: Then I guess we shouldn’t tell him about what happened at school.
Judith: No, we definitely should not.
Jake: Honest to God, someone put that pot in my locker.
Walden: Why would they do that?
Jake: That, my friend, is the million-dollar question.
& Alan: I don’t... I don’t understand. Are you reincarnated or something?
’Charlie’: Nah, I’m in hell. Walking around in this old broad’s body is supposed to be some kind of eternal damnation. You know what? The joke’s on them. Boobs are still boobs.
&’Charlie’: I came here to tell you it’s not too late to turn your life around.
Alan: How?
’Charlie’: Stop being a parasite. Step up. Be a man. Grow a pair. Uh, parenthetically, this body actually has a pair. They dangle right under my hooha.
Alan: Did not need to know that!
& Alan: W-Walden’s my friend. He invited me to stay with him.
’Charlie’: Oh, kiss my surprisingly tight ass. You’re nobody’s friend. You’re a useless appendage, like tonsils, or the nutsack under my hooha.
& Zoey: Oh, God. So we’re stuck with him forever. The man is the herpes of houseguests.
Walden: Come on. That is not fair.
Zoey: You’re right. Herpes sometimes disappears for a while.
Alan: Surprise!
Walden: Alan.
Zoey: Herpes.
& Alan: I’d like to thank the Academy. There are no small parts... only small apartments.
--
On the IMDb
Σ Guest star — Kathy Bates!!
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