The Straw in My Donut Hole

Two and a Half Men 9×23

& Berta: Come here, Alan. Sit down. I made you some tea.
    Alan: Wait, did you just call me Alan?
    Berta: Well, that’s your name, isn’t it?
    Alan: Yeah, but you always call me Zippy.
    Berta: I know, but I’ve got a little rule. I never make fun of someone who could come back and haunt me... Sugar or honey?
    Alan: I thought we decided on Alan?

& Jake: But there is some real good news.
    Alan: What’s that?
    Jake: I found out for sure I’m not gay.
    Alan: But why’s that good news?
    Walden: It’s mostly good news for gay people.

& Walden: Well, he had a heart attack, Zoey.
    Zoey: Oh, bollocks. He’s going to outlive us all. A week after nuclear Armageddon, the world will be populated by nothing but cockroaches and Alan Harper.
    Walden: Wow, that is a side of you that is not attractive.
    Zoey: It’s the lawyer side of me.

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& Dr. Goodman: All right, Mr. Harper. Well, I’ve got some good news.
    Alan: Let me have it.
    Dr. Goodman: I’m banging my receptionist. I’m sorry. I... I never get tired of that one.
    Alan: That-that’s funny, but, uh, what about me?
    Dr. Goodman: No, you don’t have a chance with her. She likes rich guys.

& Alan: Have you ever had oral sex and peach cobbler?
    Dr. Goodman: At the same time?!.. Can’t say that I have.
    Alan: Well, I have. And once my girlfriend finds out that I’m healthy, I’m back to sucking Life Savers and humping my pillow.

& Dr. Goodman: Well, as your doctor, all I can tell you is you’re perfectly healthy.
    Alan: Can I get a second opinion?
    Dr. Goodman: Yes, you’re ugly, too.

& Zoey: Brought your banana smoothie.
    Alan: Oh, thank you, Zoey. Um, would you mind sticking the straw in my donut hole?
    Zoey: Oh, I would love to.

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On the IMDb