That Darn Priest

Two and a Half Men 8×16

End of the Season

& Alan: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned?
    Priest: Are you asking me or telling me?
    Alan: Telling you? I’m sorry. I’m just not really sure of the rules.

& Priest: When was your last confession?
    Alan: Oh, wow, let’s see. Uh, that would be... Never?
    Priest: Are you even Catholic?
    Alan: No, but I’m a big fan. The costumes, the music, um, crackers and wine.
    Priest: That’s the body and blood of our savior.
    Alan: I know. Mm-mm, good. Ha, ha. You guys ever think about putting that in supermarkets like a Lunchable?

& Priest: Okay, just to be clear, what I tell you is between you and me. And the Lord.
    Alan: Sure, but I’m not worried about him blabbing. You, I just met. Couldn’t pick you out of a lineup.

& Alan: Do you know what a Ponzi scheme is?
    Priest: I do. Are you an investment banker?
    Alan: No, I’m a chiropractor.
    Priest: A chiropractic Ponzi scheme. Okay, you piqued my interest.

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& Alan: Do I get to keep the money?
    Priest: No.
    Alan: Ah. Uh, you know what? I’m just gonna mosey over to Temple Beth Shalom... and see what their deal is. I’ll get back to you.
    Priest: Oy vey.

& Alan: What’s funny?
    Charlie: Rose is at a party with her husband... and she’s sexting me from under the table.
    Alan: Sexting?
    Charlie: It’s like regular texting, but, you know, dirty.
    Alan: Hmm.
    Charlie: You see, that’s not a smiley face...

& Berta: I need my money back.
    Alan: Why?
    Berta: Just found out... two of my teenage granddaughters are pregnant.
    Alan: At the same time?
    Berta: By the same guy.

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+ quotes on the IMDb

Σ Just before Charlie died.