Delivery Man

& Aleksy: I should never have gotten this woman pregnant. Do not procreate, David. Reproduction is a very bad idea. Do not reproduce. Ever.

& Dad: You know, David, I love you like a son.
    David: I am your son.
    Dad: Which is why I love you like a son.

& David: I’m realizing that I might want a kid...
    Brett: You are a free man. You do not want kids. Kids are a black hole. They will suck up all of your energy, your money, your time, your hair...

& David: How can you talk like this in front of your children?
    Brett: I can say anything I want in front of my children because they don’t listen to me. My children do not pick up on the frequencies of my voice.

& Williams: Your sperm is of a very high quality.
    David: Oh, thank you. I’m sure your sperm is also high-end.

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& Williams: You have sired 533 children and 142 of them wish to know your identity.

& Victor: Every day you find a new way to push back the frontiers of incompetence!

& Brett: As of tonight, you are officially part of a mass action lawsuit against yourself.

& Brett: Every time you have an idea, I want you to come to me, and as your friend, I will shoot your idea down.

& Viggo: If we’re not real, what are we? Nietzsche said...
    David: Screw Nietzsch-ka! Screw Kindergarten!
    Viggo: Kierkegaard!

& Emma: What kind of job did you have that would pay for a trip to Venice?
    David: It was a manual-labor type job.

& David: Congratulations, darling.

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On the IMDb