The White Asparagus Triangulation
Season 2, Episode 9
* Sheldon: Penny, hello.
Penny: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: What is shaking?
Penny: I'm sorry?
Sheldon: It's colloquial, a conversation opener. So, do you find the weather satisfying? Are you currently sharing in the triumph of some local sports team?
Penny: What's wrong with you? You're freaking me out.
Sheldon: I'm striking up a casual conversation with you. S'up?
Penny: Please don't do that.
Sheldon: All right, but I'm given to understand that when you have something awkward to discuss with someone, it's more palatable to preface it with banal chit chat.
Penny: So, this wasn't the awkward part? All right. S'up?
Sheldon: Oh, good, I used that right. Anyway, you're aware that Leonard has entered into a new romantic relationship which includes a sexual component?
Penny: Okay, feeling the awkward now.
* Sheldon: Well, since Leonard seems to be dropping the conversational ball, I guess I'll just have to pick it up. Have you ever witnessed a violent crime?
Stephanie: No.
Sheldon: Good. What's your favorite fruit?
Stephanie: Strawberries.
Sheldon: Technically not a fruit, but all right.
* Stephanie: Hi, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hi, Stephanie. I'm sorry I'm late, but your companion left the most indecipherable invitation.
Leonard: What invitation?
Sheldon: "We're going to the movies." What movie? What theater? What time? If you were trying to make it impossible to locate you, you couldn't have done a better job.
Leonard: Clearly I could have.
Sheldon: It took me nearly 20 minutes to browse the history on your computer to see what movie times you looked up.
* Sheldon: You don't see it, do you? We're losing her.
Leonard: I'm going to make this very simple for you. You are not in this relationship. I am. Ergo, you have no say in anything that happens between me and Stephanie.
Sheldon: I'm afraid I can't allow that. Pursuant to Starfleet General Order 104, Section A: You are deemed unfit and I hereby relieve you of your command.
Leonard: General Order 104, Section A does not apply in this situation.
Sheldon: Give me one good reason why not.
Leonard: Because this is not Star Trek!
* Penny: What?
Sheldon: This is banana bread.
Penny: This is a door knob.
Sheldon: It's my understanding that an unsolicited gift of food can be a precursor to an impromptu invitation to come in and chat.
* Sheldon: I'm certain this will come as no surprise to you, but Leonard is failing in yet another relationship.
Penny: He's having problems with Stephanie?
Sheldon: She's sending virtual livestock to random men on the Internet. If I have any hope of keeping them together, I need data. Specifically, I need to know exactly what Leonard did that caused you to pop an emotional cap in his buttocks.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Again, urban slang. In which, I believe I'm gaining remarkable fluency. So, what is the "down" and the "low"? And don't worry, this is all entirely confidential, so, you feel free to include any and all shortcomings in the bedroom.
* Sheldon: Gentlemen, I have a question about dating and relationships.
Raj: You told me you were going to have the talk with him.
Howard: I've been waiting for someone to have the talk with me.
* Sheldon: It's about finding a way to keep Leonard and Stephanie together.
Howard: I don't think you can. Look at Leonard's record. 27 days with Joyce Kim.
Raj: During which she defected to North Korea.
Howard: Two booty calls with Leslie Winkle.
Raj: For which she awarded him the nickname "Speed of Light Leonard."
Howard: And the three hour dinner with Penny.
Raj: Which would have been two and a half if they ordered the souffle when they sat down.
Howard: Based on the geometric progression, his relationship with Stephanie should have ended after 20 minutes.
Sheldon: Yes, I'm aware of the math. Y equals 27 days over 12 to the nth.
* Sheldon: The issue remains. How do we circumvent his inevitable rejection?
Raj: If you want to guarantee his appeal to Stephanie, your best bet would be to kill all the other men on the planet.
Howard: Here's what you shouldn't do. Don't shpritz him with that body spray from the commercial where the women undress when they smell it. That doesn't work at all. No matter how much you put on.
Sheldon: That's all you've got? Apocalyptic genocide and "go easy on the cologne"?
* Leonard: All I'm saying is if they can cure yellow fever and malaria, why can't they do something about lactose intolerance?
Stephanie: Leonard, you're going to have to let this go. You had a little cheese dip, you farted. I thought it was cute.
* Leonard: What is wrong with you?
Sheldon: I'm helping you with Stephanie.
Leonard: By making constipated moose sounds?
Sheldon: When I fail to open this jar and you succeed, it will establish you as the "alpha" male. You see... when a female witnesses an exhibition of physical domination, she produces the hormone oxytocin. If the two of you then engage in intercourse, this will create the biochemical reaction in the brain which lay people naively interpret as "falling in love."
Leonard: Would it work if I just punched you in the face?
--- Словарик:
colloquial — разговорный язык
palatable — приятный
indecipherable — не поддающийся расшифровке; неразборчивый, нечёткий
booty — трофеи; ценное приобретение
circumvent — перехитрить, обойти; расстраивать, опрокидывать (планы); сорвать (замысел)
constipated — (разг.) страдать запором
moose — американский лось
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