9 апр. 2013 г.

This Is 40

& Debbie: You just took a Viagra to have sex with me! ... That is the worst birthday present you could ever give someone.

& Pete: I was just trying to go turbo for your birthday. My hard-ons are still in analog. This shit’s digital.
    Debbie: I don’t want a turbo penis. I like your medium-soft one.

& Pete: Happy fucking 40th birthday.
    Debbie: I am not 40! ... Fuck 40. Forty can suck my dick!

& Sadie: It’s gonna give you nightmares.
    Charlotte: I can handle a nightmare. You’re a nightmare every day for me.

& Barb: Why do you need to have sex, Deb? Sex is the number one thing people fight about. You stop having sex, there will be no more fights. I am living proof. I have no sex, and I am the happiest I have ever been.

& Debbie: Sadie, how many times have you watched Lost this week?
    Sadie: I only watched 11. But I have eight more, and then I’m done, so...
    Pete: How many are there?
    Sadie: 114.
    Pete: Are you kidding me? You can’t watch over 100 episodes of a show in five weeks. It’ll melt your brain.
    Sadie: It’s not melting my brain, it’s blowing my mind.

& Grandma Molly: Happy birthday. I just learned that you’re 40. Are you 40?
    Debbie: Yeah...
    Grandma Molly: I remember when I was 40, and then I blinked, and there I was, going to be 90. My God, where did it go?.. One day, you’re going to blink and you’re going to be 90. And I won’t be around to see it, and that makes me very sad. I’m telling you. I’m warning you. Don’t blink. Don’t blink.


& Pete: Who’s he talking to?
    Ronnie: The Jewish Journal.
    Pete: The Jewish Journal?
    Ronnie: Apparently, old Jews are the only ones who still buy hard copy of records. Because they don’t like to download music. Because they don’t know what “downloading” means.

& Dr. Pellagrino: I know how old you are by counting the rings... A little gyno joke.

& Larry: The doctor, when we’re doing in vitro, is winking at me like... “Don’t worry, don’t worry.” We were very unlucky. And now, we have these three beautiful children.

& Eastern Doctor: What we should do is easy and simple. No more dairy, no more wheat, no more sugar.
    Debbie: Sugar, wheat and dairy. Okay.
    Eastern Doctor: Yeah.
    Pete: What the fuck is left?
    Eastern Doctor: Sorry.
    Pete: Isn’t everything sugar, wheat, and dairy?

& Debbie: What are you doing with your phone?
    Pete: I’m trying to take pictures of it so I can compare it to something on Google.
    Debbie: Can we just keep just a small shred of mystery in our relationship, please?
    Pete: Look, I saw you have two babies, okay? Seriously, I need you to get up all in that.
    Debbie: I do not want to investigate your anus!
    Pete: Payback time...

& Jodi: I don’t want this to sound harsh, but everything that comes out of her mouth is a lie. Everything that goes into it is a dick.

& Larry: I will take this if you’re gonna throw it away, because at our house, we’re wheat-eaters.
    Debbie: But don’t you want to live long enough to see your kids grow up?
    Larry: That’s up to God, honey.
    Debbie: No, but that’s really not good for the kids.
    Larry: Eh, the kids eat grass, this is fine.

& Debbie: That’s it. No phone, no computer.
    Sadie: This is B.S. This is a bunch of F-ing S. You’re acting like a B.
    Debbie: You go to your room, right now! You are not allowed to use iPhone, iPad, iPod Touch, iTunes, Netflix, Pandora, or Spotify!

& Dr. Pellagrino: You’re gonna have your third baby. Congratulations.
    Debbie: No.
    Dr. Pellagrino: Yes.

& Debbie: Do you ever wish we had a bigger family?
    Pete: No. Never for a second. Never.
    Debbie: Never?
    Pete: Never. I love what we have. One? A breeze. Two? Brutal. Three? Put a bullet in my head.

& Hockey Player: Maybe we can find somewhere quiet and have fun and kind of see where it goes. Do it like adults do sometimes and...
    Debbie: Like, sex?
    Hockey Player: I mean, if you want. If that’s on the docket, but I’m not trying to force that.
    Debbie: So, you would do sex with me?
    Hockey Player: “Do sex”? What are you, Borat?

& Pete: What are you doing? We have to get ready for the party.
    Sadie: I just watched the last episode of Lost...
    Pete: You know what? We don’t have time for this right now. We have a lot of people coming over.
    Sadie: They’re all dead. Jack, Kate, Sawyer...
    Pete: I don’t care about the show right now.
    Sadie: Jin, Sun...
    Pete: I need you to just get in the shower, get dressed. Let’s just put it on hold.
    Sadie: Walt, Juliet... All those people.

& Pete: Jack? No way, really?.. Right now, shower!
    Sadie: I don’t make fun of your stupid Mad Men.
    Pete: First of all, I don’t get worked up over Mad Men.
    Sadie: That’s because Mad Men sucks.
    Pete: What Don Draper has gone through beats whatever Jack is running from on some fucking island. Bunch of people smoking in an office. Sadie: It’s stupid... You’re getting me off topic.

& Larry: I just figured out what your problem is... You hate Jews. Which is so odd because your children are Jewish.
    Debbie: Don’t play the Jew card, Larry.
    Larry: I’m not playing any Jew card.
    Debbie: Seriously, it’s used up.
    Larry: You can’t use up a Jew card. That’s the whole point of a Jew card.
    Barry: That’s right. You can’t use it up, it goes forever.

& — Bike lane, asshole!
    Pete: Fuck you, you Twilight pimply-ass motherfuckers!

& Larry: Listen, I know what you’re worried about. You think he’s gonna turn into me, but I don’t think it’s gonna happen. He’s smarter and probably a little cuter. A little less Jew-y. Although after 50, that’s all gonna change. Be prepared to wake up one day with a rabbi. But the good news is, you know, he’ll love you forever. That’s in our DNA. We stick around.

& Larry: I guess it’s hard to forgive somebody if they don’t formally apologize to you...
    Debbie: Are you apologizing?
    Larry: I’m very close.

& Oliver: I don’t get it.
    Sadie: See, it’s not sad. It’s happy, because they helped each other achieve their destiny.
    Charlotte: Great! I’m gonna have some freaky-ass nightmares...

& Debbie: God damn it, why am I crying like this? Something is wrong with me.
    Pete: You’re pregnant.
    Debbie: Oh, yeah... Shit! I was just outside telling your dad that I liked him. What if he thinks I like him now?
    Pete: No, he won’t think that.
    Debbie: I don’t want him to think I like him that much.
    Pete: No, it will never happen.

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