The Tenure Turbulence

The Big Bang Theory 6×20

& Leonard: I was reading about this jellyfish that never dies. Instead, it reverts to its asexual state and then grows up again.
    Sheldon: We thought my 90-year-old grandfather had reverted to an asexual state, but the lawsuit from his Jamaican caregiver proved us all wrong.

& Leonard: My point is, immortality is not only a possibility, it is real.
    Raj: Only if you’re this jellyfish which periodically reverts to a mass of undifferentiated protoplasm.
    Sheldon: If I could keep my Gmail account, I’d be okay with that...

& Sheldon: If we’re going to change the topic from jellyfish, I’d be okay with brine shrimp or the history of the unicycle.

& Sheldon: Excuse me, the whole tenure system is ridiculous. A guaranteed job for life only encourages the faculty to become complacent. If we really want science to advance, people should have chips implanted in their skulls that explode when they say something stupid.
    Raj: Well, I believe people do their best work when they feel safe and secure.
    Sheldon: Boom!

& Kripke: If you need my nose, you’ll find it firmly lodged up the rectum of the tenure committee.

& Leonard: I’ll apply, but I’m not gonna stoop to playing politics.
    Raj: Yeah, me neither. It should be about the work. And if I can’t get tenure, I’d like to see you or Sheldon get it...
    Sheldon: Raj, don’t dangle false hope in front of Leonard like that!

& Penny: So “tenured” means a job for life?
    Leonard: Yup.
    Penny: And you can’t get fired even if you’re bad at it?
    Leonard: Mm, not really.
    Penny: Wow, sounds a lot like being a pretty waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.

& Sheldon: While I disagree with the premise of tenure, if they gave it to me, it wouldn’t diminish my output. You know, I’m like the sun. Can’t turn this off.

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& Amy: Do Rajesh and Leonard know they don’t stand a chance ’cause you’re so great?
    Sheldon: Well put. You know, I must say I go back and forth on this boyfriend-girlfriend thing, but those moments when you worship me really keep you in the running.

& Howard: Money from family does come with strings attached.
    Raj: You have no idea... They buy me a new BMW for my birthday but can I get seat warmers? No! “Rajesh, if you want a warm butt, you’re gonna have to pay for it yourself.” Well, maybe I will, old man!

& Sheldon: My primary concern with being granted tenure is living with an insanely jealous roommate after the fact. I might need to sleep with a gun under my pillow. Or a chainsaw.
    Amy: Or you take advantage of your newfound economic stability and move out... buy a house... get married... start a family.
    Sheldon: Yeah, or... the chainsaw.

& Raj: And I will return to New Delhi in triumph atop a bejeweled white elephant! And you know what will be on that elephant’s back?.. A seat warmer! “No, Father, you may not have a ride!!!”

& Penny: So, who do you have to schmooze to get this deal?
    Leonard: I’m not gonna schmooze anybody. I’m gonna let my work speak for itself.
    Penny: That’s great. That shows a lot of integrity.
    Leonard: Thank you. ... I’m a naive idiot, right?
    Penny: Oh, good, you heard me.

& Leonard: I’ve got what my father used to call “furniture disease.” My chest is falling into my drawers.

& Janine: Dr. Cooper, how can I help you?
    Sheldon: Yes, hello. I’m fine. Um... I understand you may have a bad impression of me, so I bought you a gift.
    Janine: Uh, Dr. Cooper, that’s not necessary.
    Sheldon: It’s too late. Get ready to like me...
    Janine: Roots?
    Sheldon: The tragic history of slavery in America. Fun for the whole family.

& Janine: Why would you think this is an appropriate gift?
    Sheldon: Um... Well... You are black, right?

& Sheldon: I won’t be able to make our date night this Thursday, so... bad news for you.
    Amy: You better have a good excuse this time, because “trimming Q-tips to fit your ears right” is obvious nonsense.

& Penny: Well, since Amy’s going, do you want me there? You know, to support you?
    Leonard: Oh... that’s nice, but it-it’s just gonna be a room full of boring old men and I’m not sure how much help you’d be.
    Penny: Okay. I’m just gonna tie my shoe while you think about that...
    Leonard: ........ Oh, yeah. No. Thanks, that would be great help.

& Raj: You two should be ashamed of yourselves. Using women to advance your cause with sexuality, and whatever Amy plans on doing.
    Sheldon: Are you implying that my girlfriend has no sexuality to exploit?
    Raj: Yes!
    Sheldon: Okay, because that was not clear.
    Amy: Sheldon!
    Sheldon: What?!

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