Two and a Half Men 5x14

Winky-Dink Time

& Jake: Taste this.
    Charlie: I don’t need to taste it.
    Jake: It’s a chocolate laxative. I think it needs more caramel.
    Charlie: I’m telling you, Alan. One of these days, that kid’s gonna fart and birds are gonna fall out of the sky.

& Alan: You know what’s interesting? Once I decided to give up trying to live a moral life, I felt somehow free.
    Charlie: ... How much are you looking to spend?
    Alan: Well, as you know, I am a bit of a bargain hunter.
    Charlie: But unfortunately, they don’t stock hookers at the 99-cent store.

& Jake: Want some cake?
    Milly: I don’t eat sugar.
    Jake: Oh, yeah, me neither. Unless it’s in, like, pies and cookies and stuff.
    Milly: Whatever.
    Jake: Yeah, whatever.

& Alan: She seems nice. Who is she?
    Charlie: I have no frigging idea.
    Jake: I’ll tell you who she is. The grandmother of my children.

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& Jake: Uncle Charlie?
    Charlie: What?
    Jake: Could you do me a favor and call Milly’s mom, find out if Milly likes me? But don’t tell her I asked, because I don’t wanna appear needy... I’m on it.

& Jake: Wasn’t gonna wear the jacket. The shirt has mustard on the back.
    Charlie: How did you get mustard on the back of your shirt?
    Jake: A kid bet me I couldn’t catch a hot dog behind my back. Turns out I couldn’t.

& Alan: Guess who’s coming over tonight... Alexis!
    Charlie: Oh, good for you. But if you’re planning to use that vegetable oil... it’s probably gonna run you an extra hundred.
    Alan: I’m making French fries. You know, carb-loading for my upcoming 60-minute dash.
    Charlie: My mistake.
Alan: But I like how you think. Kinky and heart-smart.

& Charlie: Now, three rules. Number one, dinner with a beautiful woman is never about food.
    Jake: I know, it’s about making her like me.
    Charlie: Very good.
    Jake: But there will be food, right?

& Charlie: Jake, you need to focus here.
    Jake: It would behoove me to focus.
    Charlie: .....
    Jake: Sorry, what are the other two rules?
    Charlie: Number two, eat with your mouth closed. Number three, pray she has low self-esteem.
    Jake: Number three isn’t a rule.
    Charlie: For you, it is.

& Jake: Now, let’s go over my three rules.
    Charlie: You’ve got rules?!
    Jake: Number one, I’d like you not to call me Mr. Potato Head... or SpongeBob SmearPants.
    Charlie: How about Sir Farts a Lot?
    Jake: ... No. Number two, I think it’d be better... if I call you Charlie rather than Uncle Charlie. Because that way, we’d be more like equals.
    Charlie: So if we’re equal, does that mean you’re gonna split the check with me?
    Jake: I knew you’d say that, Charlie.
    Charlie: And number three?
    Jake: ... Oh, there’s only two. I miscounted.

& Alan: Since I am buying it, I should be able to buy it. All you have to do is tell the truth. There’s no need for hyperbole.
    Alexis: All right, okay.
    Alan: Okay.
    Alexis: Oh, Alan, your lips are so... thin and dry.
    Alan: Okay, now we’re cooking.

& Charlie: So how’d it go with Alexis?
    Alan: Well, I don’t wanna brag, but she wouldn’t take my money.

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