Winky-Dink Time
Charlie: I don’t need to taste it.
Jake: It’s a chocolate laxative. I think it needs more caramel.
Charlie: I’m telling you, Alan. One of these days, that kid’s gonna fart and birds are gonna fall out of the sky.
& Alan: You know what’s interesting? Once I decided to give up trying to live a moral life, I felt somehow free.
Charlie: ... How much are you looking to spend?
Alan: Well, as you know, I am a bit of a bargain hunter.
Charlie: But unfortunately, they don’t stock hookers at the
& Jake: Want some cake?
Milly: I don’t eat sugar.
Jake: Oh, yeah, me neither. Unless it’s in, like, pies and cookies and stuff.
Milly: Whatever.
Jake: Yeah, whatever.
& Alan: She seems nice. Who is she?
Charlie: I have no frigging idea.
Jake: I’ll tell you who she is. The grandmother of my children.
& Jake: Uncle Charlie?
Charlie: What?
Jake: Could you do me a favor and call Milly’s mom, find out if Milly likes me? But don’t tell her I asked, because I don’t wanna appear needy... I’m on it.
& Jake: Wasn’t gonna wear the jacket. The shirt has mustard on the back.
Charlie: How did you get mustard on the back of your shirt?
Jake: A kid bet me I couldn’t catch a hot dog behind my back. Turns out I couldn’t.
& Alan: Guess who’s coming over tonight... Alexis!
Charlie: Oh, good for you. But if you’re planning to use that vegetable oil... it’s probably gonna run you an extra hundred.
Alan: I’m making French fries. You know, carb-loading for my upcoming
Charlie: My mistake.
Alan: But I like how you think. Kinky and heart-smart.
& Charlie: Now, three rules. Number one, dinner with a beautiful woman is never about food.
Jake: I know, it’s about making her like me.
Charlie: Very good.
Jake: But there will be food, right?
& Charlie: Jake, you need to focus here.
Jake: It would behoove me to focus.
Charlie: .....
Jake: Sorry, what are the other two rules?
Charlie: Number two, eat with your mouth closed. Number three, pray she has low self-esteem.
Jake: Number three isn’t a rule.
Charlie: For you, it is.
& Jake: Now, let’s go over my three rules.
Charlie: You’ve got rules?!
Jake: Number one, I’d like you not to call me Mr. Potato Head... or SpongeBob SmearPants.
Charlie: How about Sir Farts a Lot?
Jake: ... No. Number two, I think it’d be better... if I call you Charlie rather than Uncle Charlie. Because that way, we’d be more like equals.
Charlie: So if we’re equal, does that mean you’re gonna split the check with me?
Jake: I knew you’d say that, Charlie.
Charlie: And number three?
Jake: ... Oh, there’s only two. I miscounted.
& Alan: Since I am buying it, I should be able to buy it. All you have to do is tell the truth. There’s no need for hyperbole.
Alexis: All right, okay.
Alan: Okay.
Alexis: Oh, Alan, your lips are so... thin and dry.
Alan: Okay, now we’re cooking.
& Charlie: So how’d it go with Alexis?
Alan: Well, I don’t wanna brag, but she wouldn’t take my money.
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+ quotes on the IMDb
3100th published. wow
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