Two and a Half Men 5x13

The Soil is Moist

& Jake: Not only did that movie suck, it blew chunks, bit the big one... and then came back and sucked again.
    Charlie: Did you pay for it?
    Jake: Yeah. With an hour and a half of my childhood that I’ll never get back.
    Charlie: Hey, I’ve seen your childhood. It’s not a big loss.

& Alan: You said you wanted to see it.
    Jake: It was rated R. But there wasn’t a single boob in it.
    Charlie: You were there.

& Cynthia: Hi, Jake. Look how big you’re getting.
    Jake: It’s called puberty.
    Charlie: It’s called doughnuts.
    Jake: Doughnuts don’t make hair.

& Charlie: I’ll go talk to Herb. Of all Judith’s husbands, he’s my favorite anyway.

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& Charlie: Hey, Herb, tell Alan what you told me about how you plant seeds.
    Herb: Well, first I make sure the soil is moist.
    Charlie: And tell him how you do that.
    Herb: Well, I just stick my finger into old mother earth. If it comes up dry, I just whip out my hose and give it a good spritz.
    Charlie: And then?
    Herb: And then I carefully plant the seed in the soil.
    Charlie: Carefully? Why carefully?
    Herb: Because if you just fling that stuff around, half of it’s wasted.
    Charlie: You hear that, Alan? If you fling your seed around, it gets wasted.
    Alan: Fascinating. Let’s go.
    Charlie: Now hold on, hold on. How do you feel about bushes, Herb?
    Herb: Well, I like a full bush. The way God intended.
    Charlie: I like them trimmed. What about you, Alan?

& Alan: It’s driving me nuts. I mean, what’s his secret? How does he do it?
    Berta: Maybe he’s got a big trouser monkey...
    Charlie: You been listening this whole time?
    Berta: Wouldn’t you?

& Alan: You’re not helping.
    Charlie: I rarely do. Oh, Alan, you’re looking at this the wrong way.
    Alan: What do you mean?
    Charlie: Well, you’re seeing your ex-wife as half-empty. But with Herb in the picture...

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On the IMDb