& Curtis: Give me the mother-fucking case!
Seth: Give me the case or I swear I will cave your fucking skull in!
Rudy: I’m going to saw your fucking legs off you dick... Oh, shit!
Jess: Me and you, we’re friends, we bonded... like the end of Titanic, remember? Come on. Give me the case!
& Finn: She can’t help it. Not since the stroke. That was a joke. Me mum hasn’t had a stroke! She did recently have a hysterectomy. Not a whole lot of laughs that week. Oh, my God. The crying! “They took my womanhood!” I was like, “Mum! Spare me the graphic, biological details.”
& Seth: You already lost a hand. There’s only so many limbs a guy can do without. Give me the combination for the briefcase and we can all go home and have a nice cup of tea.
& Rudy: I think we might have a problem.
& Rudy: Now you’ll have to excuse me though, cos I have very important probation worker business to attend to, for I am... a probation worker.
& Jess: Turns out the probation worker has someone locked in a freezer.
Finn: Why would anyone hold someone captive in a freezer? I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for it.
& Finn: I was... just... getting a Bounty.
Rudy: Whereas... I am eating a Cornetto... for I am a probation worker and that is what we eat.
& Finn: That’s a definite ball tightening moment.
& Seth: What’s going on?
Rudy: Well either there’s a fire... or someone is attempting to fuck with us.
& Seth: The question is... how much is a bollock worth to you?
& Rudy: Imagine the bloke in the freezer is a giant shit. And over here, we have a great big fan. Shit and then you got the fan...
& Rudy: Prepare to be shocked. Surprised, and more than a little bit amazed.
& Seth: Some kid wanders into a minefield, ends up standing on a mine. If he moves, he’s dead. Kelly marches over, does her rocket science thing and defuses the mine.
& Rudy: Nachos... or a Twix? Sweet or savoury? It’s man’s eternal dilemma.
& Seth: Kelly’s fucking off her Community Service. We’re going to stay out there and... defuse landmines. She’s not coming back.
Rudy: Who?
Curtis: Kelly.
Rudy: What?! She’s not coming back?! When was this decided? Do we not...? I mean, do we get a say in any...? I am shocked and I am reeling. I’m going to get some chocolate because I’m really upset.
& Seth: It’s got a combination lock.
Rudy: Can we not just get a bloody big hammer and chisel and bust it open?
Curtis: If you open it without the combination it activates one of these dye-pack things. It stains the money. It’s unusable.
Rudy: Since when did you become such a bloody expert?
Curtis: I watch a lot of heist movies.
Rudy: I can’t get into them, there’s too many twists and turns. I like a nice, straightforward Western.
& Rudy: He makes cruel jokes about your girlfriend behind her back. It’s all this. “Her mouth is so massive, the only way you can shut her up is to wedge one of her tits in there, innit.”
Seth: He said that about Kelly?!
Rudy: Huh...
Seth: Two-faced bastard.
& Rudy: How sneaky am I, eh? Shame on me. See, I think Curtis was in cahoots... Cahoots is a great word. I think Curtis was in cahoots with two other people, who just so happen to conveniently turn up at the Community Center this morning wearing their orange jumpsuits, claiming they’re on Community Service. Can you see where I’m going?
Finn: You lost me at cahoots.
& Rudy: Sleepytime for bobos.
& Finn: Oh my God! What’s that?! There’s something moving in my hand.
Jess: That’s my tit!
Finn: Oh, sorry.
Jess: Just stop touching my tits!!
Finn: I was trying to find me phone.
Jess: It’s not in my bra!
& Finn: This is probably all part of some elaborate initiation ritual, you know like in those posh, private schools where they toast crumpets and eat each other’s shit.
Jess: You are so naive. You’re a paedophile’s wet dream. “Hey, little boy. Do you want to come with me into the bushes and suck on my cock-shaped lollipop?” ... What?!
Finn: ..... Wasn’t in the bushes. It was at me uncle’s house...
& Finn: I’m joking.
Jess: You prick! I thought you were being serious.
Finn: Ouch! Jesus!
Jess: You dick! Why would you do that?
Finn: I was trying to lighten the mood.
Jess: You think a story about you getting horribly raped by your uncle is going to lighten the mood?
Finn: I’m just saying. It could be worse. You could be locked in a freezer with me imaginary, rapist uncle. Suddenly, things don’t seem quite so bad.
& Seth: I’ve done both bollocks, a couple of fingers and his bell-end.
Rudy: What did he say?
Seth: He said “ouch” and “fuck you”.
& Finn: Is it just me or is it reminding you of the end of Titanic?
& Finn: I always thought I’d die in a car crash. A silver Mercedes 300SL Gullwing. I’m off my head on prescription painkillers. Just finished getting sucked off by Angelina Jolie. I open me eyes and bang! I hit a tree, a big, fuck-off oak tree, on top of a hill, looking out at the sea. Angelina lives, but she’s horribly disfigured.
& Finn: Sadie?!
Jess: Who’s Sadie?
Finn: Me dog. If I die, who’s going to feed me dog?
& Jess: I’m not going to piss myself in front of you!
Finn: What if we piss ourselves in front of each other?.. There’s no shame in that. Do you want to freestyle or do you want to synchronize, on the count of three?
& Finn: I really hope you don’t need a shit.
& Seth: What if they really are two innocent young offenders who just showed up here this morning to do their Community Service?
Rudy: I believe you will find there’s no such thing as an innocent young offender, is there? Guilty!
& Jess: Why don’t you tell us what the fuck is going on? You can entertain us while we all slowly freeze to death.
& Seth: Curtis is a dick. You?.. You’re different. I’ve always admired and respected you.
Rudy: Am I shocked? Not really. Dude, do you... Do you think my cock looks like a tiny little slug?
Seth: I think you have a fucking beautiful penis.
Rudy: Thanks, mate. I am strangely blessed.
Seth: D’you know what, I like you. I like you a lot. We should be best mates.
Rudy: We are... we are so in tune, it’s scary. We’re like one cock with two minds.
& Rudy: I am not the guy who locked you in the freezer.
Finn: Come on. Even I don’t believe that, and I can be incredibly naive.
& Rudy: It’s the storm. Always the storm.
& Curtis: Who are you?
Greg: I’m your new probation worker.
& Greg: You cross me... and I will fuck you like you have never been fucked before. You will feel like you have been fucked by a train. Phu-phu, phu-phu, phu-phu, phu-phu-phu-phu.
& Jess: Are probation workers always that fucking creepy?
Curtis: That’s definitely new.
& Finn: Why did he single me out? Why me?
Rudy: Well, don’t sweat it, man. Chances are he’ll be dead by t’end of week.
--
On the IMDb
soundtrack
Seth: Give me the case or I swear I will cave your fucking skull in!
Rudy: I’m going to saw your fucking legs off you dick... Oh, shit!
Jess: Me and you, we’re friends, we bonded... like the end of Titanic, remember? Come on. Give me the case!
& Finn: She can’t help it. Not since the stroke. That was a joke. Me mum hasn’t had a stroke! She did recently have a hysterectomy. Not a whole lot of laughs that week. Oh, my God. The crying! “They took my womanhood!” I was like, “Mum! Spare me the graphic, biological details.”
& Seth: You already lost a hand. There’s only so many limbs a guy can do without. Give me the combination for the briefcase and we can all go home and have a nice cup of tea.
& Rudy: I think we might have a problem.
& Rudy: Now you’ll have to excuse me though, cos I have very important probation worker business to attend to, for I am... a probation worker.
& Jess: Turns out the probation worker has someone locked in a freezer.
Finn: Why would anyone hold someone captive in a freezer? I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for it.
& Finn: I was... just... getting a Bounty.
Rudy: Whereas... I am eating a Cornetto... for I am a probation worker and that is what we eat.
& Finn: That’s a definite ball tightening moment.
& Seth: What’s going on?
Rudy: Well either there’s a fire... or someone is attempting to fuck with us.
& Seth: The question is... how much is a bollock worth to you?
& Rudy: Imagine the bloke in the freezer is a giant shit. And over here, we have a great big fan. Shit and then you got the fan...
& Rudy: Prepare to be shocked. Surprised, and more than a little bit amazed.
& Seth: Some kid wanders into a minefield, ends up standing on a mine. If he moves, he’s dead. Kelly marches over, does her rocket science thing and defuses the mine.
& Rudy: Nachos... or a Twix? Sweet or savoury? It’s man’s eternal dilemma.
& Seth: Kelly’s fucking off her Community Service. We’re going to stay out there and... defuse landmines. She’s not coming back.
Rudy: Who?
Curtis: Kelly.
Rudy: What?! She’s not coming back?! When was this decided? Do we not...? I mean, do we get a say in any...? I am shocked and I am reeling. I’m going to get some chocolate because I’m really upset.
& Seth: It’s got a combination lock.
Rudy: Can we not just get a bloody big hammer and chisel and bust it open?
Curtis: If you open it without the combination it activates one of these dye-pack things. It stains the money. It’s unusable.
Rudy: Since when did you become such a bloody expert?
Curtis: I watch a lot of heist movies.
Rudy: I can’t get into them, there’s too many twists and turns. I like a nice, straightforward Western.
& Rudy: He makes cruel jokes about your girlfriend behind her back. It’s all this. “Her mouth is so massive, the only way you can shut her up is to wedge one of her tits in there, innit.”
Seth: He said that about Kelly?!
Rudy: Huh...
Seth: Two-faced bastard.
& Rudy: How sneaky am I, eh? Shame on me. See, I think Curtis was in cahoots... Cahoots is a great word. I think Curtis was in cahoots with two other people, who just so happen to conveniently turn up at the Community Center this morning wearing their orange jumpsuits, claiming they’re on Community Service. Can you see where I’m going?
Finn: You lost me at cahoots.
& Rudy: Sleepytime for bobos.
& Finn: Oh my God! What’s that?! There’s something moving in my hand.
Jess: That’s my tit!
Finn: Oh, sorry.
Jess: Just stop touching my tits!!
Finn: I was trying to find me phone.
Jess: It’s not in my bra!
& Finn: This is probably all part of some elaborate initiation ritual, you know like in those posh, private schools where they toast crumpets and eat each other’s shit.
Jess: You are so naive. You’re a paedophile’s wet dream. “Hey, little boy. Do you want to come with me into the bushes and suck on my cock-shaped lollipop?” ... What?!
Finn: ..... Wasn’t in the bushes. It was at me uncle’s house...
& Finn: I’m joking.
Jess: You prick! I thought you were being serious.
Finn: Ouch! Jesus!
Jess: You dick! Why would you do that?
Finn: I was trying to lighten the mood.
Jess: You think a story about you getting horribly raped by your uncle is going to lighten the mood?
Finn: I’m just saying. It could be worse. You could be locked in a freezer with me imaginary, rapist uncle. Suddenly, things don’t seem quite so bad.
& Seth: I’ve done both bollocks, a couple of fingers and his bell-end.
Rudy: What did he say?
Seth: He said “ouch” and “fuck you”.
& Finn: Is it just me or is it reminding you of the end of Titanic?
& Finn: I always thought I’d die in a car crash. A silver Mercedes 300SL Gullwing. I’m off my head on prescription painkillers. Just finished getting sucked off by Angelina Jolie. I open me eyes and bang! I hit a tree, a big, fuck-off oak tree, on top of a hill, looking out at the sea. Angelina lives, but she’s horribly disfigured.
& Finn: Sadie?!
Jess: Who’s Sadie?
Finn: Me dog. If I die, who’s going to feed me dog?
& Jess: I’m not going to piss myself in front of you!
Finn: What if we piss ourselves in front of each other?.. There’s no shame in that. Do you want to freestyle or do you want to synchronize, on the count of three?
& Finn: I really hope you don’t need a shit.
& Seth: What if they really are two innocent young offenders who just showed up here this morning to do their Community Service?
Rudy: I believe you will find there’s no such thing as an innocent young offender, is there? Guilty!
& Jess: Why don’t you tell us what the fuck is going on? You can entertain us while we all slowly freeze to death.
Black Sabbath — Paranoid
♪ Finished with my woman ♪
♪ cos she couldn’t help me with my mind ♪
♪ Finished with my woman ♪
♪ cos she couldn’t help me with my mind ♪
& Seth: Curtis is a dick. You?.. You’re different. I’ve always admired and respected you.
Rudy: Am I shocked? Not really. Dude, do you... Do you think my cock looks like a tiny little slug?
Seth: I think you have a fucking beautiful penis.
Rudy: Thanks, mate. I am strangely blessed.
Seth: D’you know what, I like you. I like you a lot. We should be best mates.
Rudy: We are... we are so in tune, it’s scary. We’re like one cock with two minds.
& Rudy: I am not the guy who locked you in the freezer.
Finn: Come on. Even I don’t believe that, and I can be incredibly naive.
& Rudy: It’s the storm. Always the storm.
& Curtis: Who are you?
Greg: I’m your new probation worker.
& Greg: You cross me... and I will fuck you like you have never been fucked before. You will feel like you have been fucked by a train. Phu-phu, phu-phu, phu-phu, phu-phu-phu-phu.
& Jess: Are probation workers always that fucking creepy?
Curtis: That’s definitely new.
& Finn: Why did he single me out? Why me?
Rudy: Well, don’t sweat it, man. Chances are he’ll be dead by t’end of week.
--
On the IMDb
soundtrack
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